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Permalink Reply by Lee on May 22, 2008 at 5:22pm

Two days after my thirteenth birthday, my grandfather shot himself. A month and ten days later I lost my grandmother, too. There was some medical cause, but the truth is that she didn't want to live anymore, so she turned her face to the wall and faded away.

If I could roll back time, I'd try to stop it from ever happening. But since I can't do that, I try to think about the positive things that came out of those times. This is not something I could do at the time, and it's only now, 14 years later, that I can even begin to approach it that way.

Most importantly, even though it sent me into my first depression, his taking his own life might have saved mine. I've gone through some very bad periods. But never once did I seriously consider suicide, because I knew how it affects the people you leave behind. It just was not an option.

Also, once I'd experienced actual tragedy, the little inconveniences of life just didn't bother me as much as they would have. A failing grade on a test? A fight with a friend? They couldn't even compare.

I'd rather have my grandfather. But I can't. So I'll take what I can get.

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Permalink Reply by Jessica on May 27, 2008 at 10:17am

Losing a grandparent is tough. Losing two at such a young age, under such traumatic circumstances...I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I admire you for dwelling on the positive and trying to make the most of a terrible situation. Thanks for sharing your story, Lee.

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Permalink Reply by kt on June 2, 2008 at 3:36pm

I was told this morning that my dearest friend shot herself yesterday evening. When my co-worker told me I immedietly starting calling her cell phone asking he to call me back. I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea of her doing that. This is so outside her character. I called her boyfriend's sister and when she answered I told her it was me and she began crying and that is when I knew that it wasn't a dream. I still think she is going to call me back or that I am going to wake up from this nightmare. I can remember our last conversation about her loosing her keys and buying a new patio set. I still can't figure out what went wrong. I talked to her boyfriend and he doesn't know why either. I can't even imagine what he must be going through. He is the one who found her at home. He also lost his wife several years ago. To go through this once is enough but twice is unthinkable. I just want to keep telling myself that she is going to call and everything will be ok. I just don't know what to do or what to say. I know she is in a better place but I sure do miss her wisdom, grace, advice, and plain and simple just her voice and of course her red and purple cowboy boots!
I just wish there was something I could have done, or if I could go back and see if there were any signs that I missed but I can't do either. I am just stuck in this place of disbelief and confusion. I would do anything to tell her one more time I love her and always will.

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Permalink Reply by Lee on June 2, 2008 at 4:37pm

kt, I am so sorry about your friend.

It took me years to forgive my grandfather after he committed suicide. I was so angry that he'd done that to me and my family. I felt betrayed. I felt nauseated. At some fundamental level I just couldn't believe that it had really happened, that it wasn't just some horrible joke. I couldn't believe that he didn't reach out to one of us for help.

The way I try to think about it now is that he was sick with an illness that was terminal. Depression kills. And in many ways, depression silences its victims. Along with misery comes a hopeless lethargy that can stop you from seeking help. It wasn't that you weren't there for her, it was that she could not reach out.

Speaking from my own experience, you may replay all your interactions with your friend, wondering if there was a point at which you could have said or done something that would have prevented her tragic decision. This is a soul-destroying, nightmarish guessing game that has no answers and supplies no peace. If you can avoid putting yourself through it, please do.

You are in my thoughts, along with her boyfriend and family. I am so very sorry for your loss.

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Permalink Reply by SANDRA on June 6, 2008 at 3:01pm

kt... i'm soo incredibly sorry for your loss... my little sister was my best friend and a huge part of who i thought i was... the things you said are still true for me. i was expecting a call from her in the morning... but got the coroners call instead.... i just recieved a check from her insurance... and its still not really real....

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Permalink Reply by Lee on June 18, 2008 at 1:03pm

Sandra and kt, I've been thinking about you a lot, hoping that you're doing well. I always remember my grandfather around any family holiday like Father's Day, and I thought that you might be missing your loved ones, too.

Sandra, you said that your sister's death still feels unreal to you. Has there been anything in particular that's helped you cope with your loss?

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Permalink Reply by Mike Kile on July 2, 2008 at 7:11am

Each way to suicide is its own: intensely private, unknowable, and terrible.........................

It is not uncommon for young ones who give in to despair and commit suicide to do so even over matters that may seem trivial to others. When they feel hurt and cannot do anything about it, youths may view their own death as a means of getting back at those who have hurt them.

For adults, financial or work-related problems are common triggering events. In Japan after years of economic downturn, suicides recently topped 30,000 a year.almost three quarters of the middle-aged men who killed themselves did so “because of problems stemming from debts, business failures, poverty and unemployment.” Family problems too may lead to suicide.........................

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Permalink Reply by Mike Kile on July 17, 2008 at 8:22am

Kt ...I'm so so sorry to here of your friends lost...One thing that stuck in my head was what you said"This is so outside of her Character"...That is how i felt when my brother died....In Disbelief....He had everything in miami....Million dollar house boats cars trucks...the best of everything.....But "Hey" one day he's gone and out of know where ..."Gone"......So what i wanted to say Kt...is Comment on your last statement "I would do anything to tell her one more time I love her and always will".(Well I know of a family who turned to a medium and Now thay which they would of never ever done it......So I want to say don't look for answers that are not faith based......One thing i want to say we have a promise to see our loved one's soon.....So the only thing we have to hold on.....And soon we will have relief.....Soon ....So Kt ....Hold on...Have Faith.....

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Permalink Reply by Melinda on August 18, 2008 at 12:26pm

Lee & Kt
Sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to both of you. I myself have had a lot of loss in the last year. My nephew 18 was killed by a drunk driver in april, my father-in-law died unexpectedly in may, my father died in june of cancer, my father-in-laws brother died enexpectedly in august. all in 2007. Trying to catch a breath, my cousin died this year of cancer. recently a coworker who i worked with for 10 years commited suicide. he was a great, caring person. he was so lively, funny and you would just smile and laugh around him all the time. He was just a plain nice guy. It was such a shock. I still wait for him to walk through the door. I am so mad at him. There are so many people that would have helped. Is it just easier to commit suicide, than to ask for help. He had a closed casket. So it is really hard for me to believe that he was really in there. I really miss his smiling face. Death has just been so overwhelming for me. I still cant make a ride home from work without breaking down in tears. I loved all whom i lost and i just cant think of happy times without sheading those tears?? do they eventually go away and stay happ thoughts??

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Permalink Reply by Jocele on August 31, 2008 at 8:24am

It has been almost 2 weeks since my 20 year old son committed suicide. I've experienced a lot of deaths in my life, as I come from a large family. But this is the first suicide. He was so happy and full of life. He teased, joked, and liked to pull pranks on us. The one thing everyone comments on is how much he made us all laugh. Three nights before his death we went to a concert and he danced his heart away. I hadn't seen him dance since he was about 5 years old. But I always knew there was something dark in him. And we couldn't fix it. He had reached out in the past when he was depressed, but this time he didn't. My 24-year-old son found him in bed - he had shot himself. Sometimes I feel like I've given so much to others that I haven't had time to grieve myself. My kids and grandkids call almost every day, and I start telling funny "Harold" stories - we feel better when we get off the phone. I guess it's helping all of us.

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Permalink Reply by darlene on September 1, 2008 at 1:42am

Hi Jocele,I am so sorry to hear about your son ,I know there is nothing Ican say to help you,Ilost my mom march 17 2008 and my son in law march27 2008 my sister was also killed by her husband.but my mama always told me nothing compares to losing a child,I will be thinking about you and your family,and praying for you.
darlene

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Permalink Reply by Jocele on September 1, 2008 at 8:16am

Thank you, Darlene. My mother was killed in a car accident when she was 38. My grandmother always said the same thing. Nothing compares to losing a child. I faced the enormity and finality at the funeral home, but since then it all seems surreal. I keep thinking he'll call or just show up. I talk to him often. I believe his spirit can hear me. I remind him how much I love him, what a wonderful young man he was, and how much joy he brought into so many people's lives. I haven't gotten angry yet - but I know it's coming. Family and friends help so much. Every time I get a phone call or email I feel loved, hugged and prayed for. It all helps.

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