Hi Liria, You're not alone. I wish I had something more witty and comforting to say. I struggle in a similar way. I'm sorry you're hurting, I know how hard it is sometimes.
I lost my mom in jan 2009 from pancreatic cancer, my dad passed away in 1991 from colon cancer. My mom was diagnosed October 8th and passed way Jan 23 2009. I only have one brother he is married and has 2 kids. I thought I was doing ok and I was numb for a while thinking she will be back and that it's not true. I have lost interest in life. I have a full time job which I wish I didn't have. I wish I didn't have to work because I like to sleep a lot. I can't get my mom out of my head. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and never get out. My mom was only 62 yrs old. Sometimes I just start crying and I can't stop. Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. This feeling of emptiness is overwhelming and it hurts. When I think of all the things we did together , all the vacations we took , all of the vacations we had planned it just hurts to think that I will never see her again. She was such a joy and such a wonderful happy person. Now I wonder who else is next. Can I live and bear if my brother gets sick or can I bear me getting sick and having my brother to deal with it. I cant bear the thought as my brother has been very supportive and a great guy. There's only me and him left. I am just tired of everything that's happened. I have been taking anti depressants for a while now but it hasn't helped much. I just want my mom back.
The doctor told my mom that my dad "was the sickest - still alive man he had seen and didn't know how he hung on so long"
There were so many things wrong with him, and we almost lost him at least half a dozen times in the last year. At Xmas he almost died in my arms of acute respitory distress. I was holding him, telling him if he had to go, it was ok. I loved him, and his twin brother and mother were waiting on the other side for him.
We'd talk at lengths about his upcoming death, nothing was taboo. His heart was failing and he wasn't afraid of death, but he was afraid of his lungs filling up and the drowning sensation he was expecting before he died. He though it would last several minutes while he panicked and fought it.
Since Xmas he was on oxygen 24/7 and would have *attacks* where he couldn't breath and would have to do a treatment with a mask.
The night he died, he went to the washroom and came back telling mom he wasn't feeling well, to prepare a treatment. He sat on the bed and my mom turned to fill the chamber of the mask up, turned back to my dad and he fell down. She said he was gone before he hit the bed. I am so grateful that he went so quick, but I'm obsessed with his death.
I think the biggest part was because with every time he almost died, either my mom or I were there, ( I live 400 miles away) holding his hand, and we had time to say good bye (or what we THOUGHT was good bye), but when it actually happpened it was so quick. It's left me reeling in shock.
As I've said, I've become obsessed. Morbid curosity demands to know if he died with his eyes open (even though mom said he did) and how she knew he was gone before he hit the bed. She said she could see in his eyes he was gone. I can't stop thinking about it.
I've seen a grief counsellor and was actually doing pretty good, but today is a really off day.
I'm going through the steps of grief except for anger and bargaining, because I know it was his time to go, but I guess I'm doing double time on the others.
I am so not religious, and find the words shallow when someone says them (although I smile and say thank you, as I know they mean well)
Why can't I let go? He passed on June 26 2011
I lost my mom a little over two months ago to septicemia. She went into the hospital with what she thought was simply walking pneumonia, and was dead less than 48 hrs later. The shock of this is still wearing off, but the longer her absence, the more real it all feels. I have two younger siblings, and an older sister who is physically disabled. My dad has been the one keeping us all going. I have no idea what we would do without him. There are moments, hours, and even days, where I feel like I can't go on. But you do, because you have no other choice. At times I feel like I can't even remember my mom clearly, everything just seems like a fog. And I hate that more than anyhting, because I just want to picture her and be able to imagine her voice.
It's so difficult not having anyone outside of your family who can relate. Friends don't know what to say or do. And unfortunately my family is new to the area, so my nearest friends are a mere 2 hrs away. I definitely find it helpful reading forums such as these, and hopefully some people will add to this particular section.
My Dad Passed in 2007 and it is as if it just happened yesterday. The hope that God gave us is what keeps me full of joy knowing that I will see him again. I know, he is not suffering. He is at peace. He is as if in a deep sleep (Eccl 9:5) That Hope leaves me with so much comfort. It is hard to describe - it as if anticipating a big happy re-union. The loving words of our Heavenly Father - keeps me at peace - knowing that our God can not lie. (Titus 1:2) - knowing that I will see my Dad again in perfect health and sound of mind. I am looking eagerly forward to that great day!!!
Hi Diamond, you have a wonderful healthy attitude toward all this, for someone like you who see's a light at the end of the tunnel, I applaud you. You are going in the right direction, please, never look back, take care. Carlo