Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Katherine on February 17, 2013 at 7:46am

Theresa and Greg,

First off let me say that I'm deeply sorry for your losses. Death is not something we were created to face or get used to. I recently lost my brother in September in a car accident and he was only 20 so I completely understand the guilt and grief that you are experiencing.

Something that really helped me is o remember not to blame yourselves for what happened. It's normal to want to take the blame nod feel guilty when things happen to our loved ones, but we don't have to. This site is so helpful in talking about our feelings because its important to talk it out and release your feelings. Proverbs 17:17 says "A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress."

Even if talking about it seems out of character for you, writing it own is also helpful. And do not be afraid to cry.

Ecclesiastes 9:11 tells us that "time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all." So remember not to blame yourselves for what happened, no matter how hard it is.

I really hope I helped. If there's any other concerns or questions you have, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

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Permalink Reply by Recca Milton on February 28, 2013 at 11:55am

Dear NIKKI,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. While I don't know the feeling of losing a dear loved one in the same manner, I do know the feeling of losing someone to an unexpected death, as a close cousin of mine was brutally murdered.

In spite of the manner in which we lose a loved one, it is hard to wrap our mind around a loss. It's unnatural. We were created to love and live forever. That's why we grieve and it's such a process.

Regarding your memories of your dad, they will come back. In fact, during an early stage of the grieving process, it is common to experience memory loss. But at an unexpected moment, you will do, see, smell or hear something that will automatically trigger a memory for you. For me it was a photo of a plate of seafood in a magazine. Yes - you read it right - a picture of seafood. Crazy, huh?!? I'll explain...

A few weeks after my cousin's death, I was looking through a magazine and saw a picture of a plate of seafood and immediately started to cry. That photo trigger a childhood memory of when my cousin first learned about my seafood allergy during a summer vacation at our grandmother's when I was 7 or 8. At some point he was told that he couldn't come around me with his plate of fish because my eyes would swell up. His 4 or 5 year old mind understood that to mean that my SEEING fish would make my eyes swell. Unbeknownst to me, he wanted to see this "phenomenon." So he searched ALL of the magazines around our grandmother's house for a picture of fish. When he found one, he sneakily showed me the picture. Then he said, "look at me." Then he ran away. This happened 4 or 5 times before I eventually asked what he was doing. When he told me what and why, I busted up laughing. Then I explained that it would NEVER happen from looking at a picture, and we both busted up laughing.

When he died, my mind was so overwhelmed by the circumstances surrounding his death - especially the why's, the "if only's," and the effect of it on everyone - that I couldn't think about anything else in relation to him. I'd forgotten about that summer. But seeing that picture weeks later triggered that memory. The first time I remembered it was very sad for me, as all I kept thinking was he and I would not be able to laugh about it, or anything else, again. Having gone through the various stages of the grieving process, when I see a picture now, I still have that thought of loss, but now I dwell more on the memory and it effects me as it did before his death - I enjoy a good laugh!

That will happen for you too, Nikki. When it does, please let me know. I'd love to hear about it, and am more than happy to keep in touch with you...

-Recca

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Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on February 28, 2013 at 9:15pm

Wow, what an awesome story,  Thanks for sharing it!

Recca Milton said:

Dear NIKKI,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. While I don't know the feeling of losing a dear loved one in the same manner, I do know the feeling of losing someone to an unexpected death, as a close cousin of mine was brutally murdered.

In spite of the manner in which we lose a loved one, it is hard to wrap our mind around a loss. It's unnatural. We were created to love and live forever. That's why we grieve and it's such a process.

Regarding your memories of your dad, they will come back. In fact, during an early stage of the grieving process, it is common to experience memory loss. But at an unexpected moment, you will do, see, smell or hear something that will automatically trigger a memory for you. For me it was a photo of a plate of seafood in a magazine. Yes - you read it right - a picture of seafood. Crazy, huh?!? I'll explain...

A few weeks after my cousin's death, I was looking through a magazine and saw a picture of a plate of seafood and immediately started to cry. That photo trigger a childhood memory of when my cousin first learned about my seafood allergy during a summer vacation at our grandmother's when I was 7 or 8. At some point he was told that he couldn't come around me with his plate of fish because my eyes would swell up. His 4 or 5 year old mind understood that to mean that my SEEING fish would make my eyes swell. Unbeknownst to me, he wanted to see this "phenomenon." So he searched ALL of the magazines around our grandmother's house for a picture of fish. When he found one, he sneakily showed me the picture. Then he said, "look at me." Then he ran away. This happened 4 or 5 times before I eventually asked what he was doing. When he told me what and why, I busted up laughing. Then I explained that it would NEVER happen from looking at a picture, and we both busted up laughing.

When he died, my mind was so overwhelmed by the circumstances surrounding his death - especially the why's, the "if only's," and the effect of it on everyone - that I couldn't think about anything else in relation to him. I'd forgotten about that summer. But seeing that picture weeks later triggered that memory. The first time I remembered it was very sad for me, as all I kept thinking was he and I would not be able to laugh about it, or anything else, again. Having gone through the various stages of the grieving process, when I see a picture now, I still have that thought of loss, but now I dwell more on the memory and it effects me as it did before his death - I enjoy a good laugh!

That will happen for you too, Nikki. When it does, please let me know. I'd love to hear about it, and am more than happy to keep in touch with you...

-Recca

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Permalink Reply by Angel Poreda on March 12, 2013 at 10:18pm

On febuary 15th at 5pm my kids were all getting home from school and we were preparing to go on winter break and was going to be a great week .. When my phone rang it was my sister calling ..I thought she was calling me about a prior obligation . That's when I realized her voice was trembling I thought oh NO it had to be about my little sister she had been struggling a lot with for the past 6 months the pregnancy and birth of her daughter had brought on a lot of mental health complications including psycosis.. So hearing my sisters voice trembling sent a chill down my spine.. Then she uttered the words "Tanya hung herself we don't know yet".. As we are driving down the highway desperate to get to the hospital as fast as we could the thought that her dying would enter my mind sort of as a swear word .. When we reached the hospital my sister eyes soaked with tears screamed for me and ushered me into the consultation room where I learned yes my baby sister was gone.. I have been in such disbelief ..how could this happen what did I miss.. Her beautiful new baby she was SOOO proud of .. Her fiancé .. I know she is at peace but I don't kow how to find peace I have so many unanswered questions ..I knew she was sick but I never imagined this could happen .

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Permalink Reply by Diamond on March 26, 2013 at 10:17pm

Rest assure your baby sister is not suffering - sometimes, we do not understand totally what is going on  inside the mind of someone we feel is so close to us.  We all fight with various trails and try to sometimes make sense of them and for the most part it is just a lot of suffering.  For all of us we heal in a different matter - and for some it may be just too much.  However, only Almighty God knows the heart-felt pain we are going through and only  Almighty God can discern our pain. 

We may not see the signs of their pain or the severity of their heartfelt pain - but they do love us and our love for them will remain in the core of our heart.     Your sister is at peace.  The unanswered questions only God has the answers.    Remember the good times you had with your sister an remember her smile  Remember the many conversation you had with her.  Focus on those memories that brings a smile to your face.   Pray and tell Almighty God the pain you are feeling - trust him to heal your heart.   I hope, I have been able to help you to find some comfort.  I know you have a treasure of beautiful memories of your sister and remember those memories and cherish them.

 

 

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Permalink Reply by Hallie on June 10, 2013 at 8:46am

Suicide is one of the hardest deaths to cope with in my opinion.  There are so many whys and what if's that it's hardest on those left behind to reconcile.  I'm so very sorry for your losses.

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