Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.
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Today is one yr remembrance and birthday of my son Jayden. It sounds so unemotional to say it as such that I'm in a way disgusted with myself. Yes, it is his birthday, his first. It is so unreal that it has been a yr already since we had our wreck and hit by a drunk driver. Therefore the remembrance. I dont want to remember that. It angers me so much that time has flown by and still there has been no justice or anything other than just being charged for killing my child. He does not sit in jail, he still gets to have a normal life so to speak and see his family HIS CHILDREN. Im disgusted by that. They say the courts are backed up. But that is a whole entire yr of this wound being open. I am trying. Im trying to be christian. To maybe think that this is Gods time to allow him to see his family and spend time with them before he is in jail for a long time. But, that seems so wrong, so unfair for me. I want to see my Jayden. I have wanted to hold him, to see him smile and hear him laugh. And watch him grow. A year has come and I have no memories of my Jayden other than of those of him in me. And of course at the hospital, the emergency c-section and the doctors struggling to keep him alive. Five hours my Jayden lived outside of me. Had he survived I know his life would have been just a shell. So today, time does not heal these wounds. Today I return to the same pain as it was in the begining, tomorrow will be more sorrow as it is the day he passed. I am struggling to just get myself to be better for Jayden. Im going to release balloons today at his grave. Each one will be hugs, kisses, love an my heart. I so wish it was more.
Hi Beverly, you aren't alone with on that roller coaster ride. I go through the same thing every day. One minute I'm fine and then for no reason I just start crying uncontrollably. Every time I start to think that I'm doing a little better, it hits me all over again. I know that I'm a strong person and can usually take everything in stride. I've always been able to pick myself up if I've had a bad day but this is something that I have no control over. I can't control when the tears are going to start and that drives me crazy sometimes.
I was in the post office the other day to put in a change of address for my daughter so that her mail would come to me (she was in college in FL) and the lady behind the counter told me that I couldn't do it that my daughter had to. When I said that she couldn't because she had been in an accident (I couldn't finish the sentence) she asked if she was alright. I had to say that she didn't make it and I broke down. The lady asked if I had any other children and when I said no, that she was my only child, she preceded to ask her age and then mine. When I told her my age she waved her hand at me and said "Oh, well you're still young enough to have another one." WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I wanted so badly to reach over that counter and just smack her. I guess I know that she wasn't trying to be insensitive and I tried to remember that but it didn't matter.
I've heard so many people put a time frame on my grieving. I was talking to my best friend the other day and normally she can help get me out of my funk. I was explaining that my DH was getting on my nerves and she said that "it's only been 6 weeks since the accident. If it were a year and you were still grieving than I could understand". So, I guess I have a year and then I have to move on. Ugh! They don't get it at all. My daughter was with me for 23 years and she was the most important person in my world. She was taken so suddenly by a careless driver who was trying to pass her and couldn't make it over in time.
I'm sorry that I've gotten off track but I guess I just needed to get this out. Cindy was my world and now my she's gone. We were so close and I was so proud of that child. She was everything to me and some people just don't get that. They can't be replaced and they will NEVER be forgotten. I am so sorry for all the parents that are on this board and going through the same thing that I am. I understand how you're feeling.
Julie (Cindy's mom)
your family is always the best medicine to help you with loss and pain you feel.when people say you still have ur husband and other children not for you to forget your loss of a child but to help you at your weakest that is what gets me when im down my husband and 2 kids yes i will forever miss our son jacob but i have to live life because i know our son is fine in heaven of cousre it would of been better in my arms but god called for jacob and his mission on earth is done. when our time is up on earth we will be with our loved ones again just keep faith and family in your heart .i was only 7 months preg when jacob passed to heaven gates i never was mad at god but in my heart our son was chosen to serve in heaven but yes i have sad moments but i let it out and it hurts but i know in time it will heal not to forget but to be ok god bless
mary said:You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!
Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!
Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.
I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.
Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.
My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Scott's lost mom said:Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.
Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.
How do I get them all to go away?