Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
The sudden loss of someone close to you
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Tags: grief support, stages of grief, sudden death, suicide
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by shirley zurschmeide on -
It has been five years since my son Scott died and sometimes when I look at his picture, it all comes back to me that day, those weeks, the months and years are so hard to understand the reason of WHY. Scott is a good person, has a kind heart and a good son that I love so much. I can't pass his picture without saying I love you and miss you so much. I want so much to have him back and I would give anything to have him back but I know that is impoosible. His death just tears me up inside because I know he didn't want to die, he wanted to live. I pray for peace but it dosen't come to me.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Charles on -
Recently I searched the internet to find a website to help me cope with the lost of my wife, Betty. My search was to find a source to help me understand why I was feeling lost. Betty and I were married for over 35 years and we had planned to spend more time together after I retire. Unfortunately a year before I had decided to retire, my wife was told that she had terminal cancer. Each day I hoped and prayed that she would get well, but after several surgeries and treatments she passed away on November 13, 2011. My faith was shattered and my will to live was no longer with me. Even today I have a difficult time trying to find reasons why this had to happened to me just when we were going to enjoy our time together. We planned to visit families and I was looking forward to just having those nice quiet walks we used to take whenever I was on leave. Even though my lovely wife passed away over a year ago, I still have difficulties trying to adjust to a different lifestyle. Days of wondering if I can make it without her presence or touch. Life just doesn't seem normal for me anymore. Both of my children are grown and live nearby which gives me comfort because I can see a little of my wife's attributes in each of them. Each day I try to pray and ask the Lord for comfort and to rid my emotional pain. The pain is still with me, but I feel I can go another day. I don't think we ever remove the pain for our loss only to adjust in small ways to live another day. Take Care....j
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Permalink Reply by Jim Charles on
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Jim Charles said:Recently I searched the internet to find a website to help me cope with the lost of my wife, Betty. My search was to find a source to help me understand why I was feeling lost. Betty and I were married for over 35 years and we had planned to spend more time together after I retire. Unfortunately a year before I had decided to retire, my wife was told that she had terminal cancer. Each day I hoped and prayed that she would get well, but after several surgeries and treatments she passed away on November 13, 2011. My faith was shattered and my will to live was no longer with me. Even today I have a difficult time trying to find reasons why this had to happened to me just when we were going to enjoy our time together. We planned to visit families and I was looking forward to just having those nice quiet walks we used to take whenever I was on leave. Even though my lovely wife passed away over a year ago, I still have difficulties trying to adjust to a different lifestyle. Days of wondering if I can make it without her presence or touch. Life just doesn't seem normal for me anymore. Both of my children are grown and live nearby which gives me comfort because I can see a little of my wife's attributes in each of them. Each day I try to pray and ask the Lord for comfort and to rid my emotional pain. The pain is still with me, but I feel I can go another day. I don't think we ever remove the pain for our loss only to adjust in small ways to live another day. Take Care....j
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Permalink Reply by Barbara on -
I read with heavy heart all of the posts. It reminds me of the day my world changed, the day my son was killed in a random, drive by shooting. He was 26 and full of life. The kind of person who knew no enemies, a young man full of joy and laughter with his whole life ahead of him. But more life here on earth wasn't part of God's plan. How did I cope with this senseless loss? I turned to God. He rescued me from the deep, dark pit of grief like no one else can. And now 5 and a half years later, I help others who are experiencing the loss of a loved one. When Jimmy was killed, I started attending a grief support group called GriefShare. It was a life line to God with a group of other people who truly understood the pain I was experiencing. While the rest of the world did their best to say or do something that might help me, or those who didn't know my new reality just went on with life as if nothing happened, this group was the place I could go to and learn how to deal with my pain. I could be real and express my emotions there. It helped me to understand all the deep facets of grief and that I wasn't losing my mind like it felt I was doing. As I healed, I shadowed a group at my local church and now facilitate a 13 week session of GriefShare each year. Tuesday I will start my 7th time of GriefShare. Even though God has worked healing miracles in my heart, I still learn from the DVD's and from the participants as they share. I think this online support group is fabulous, but there is no substitution for live human contact and working through the grief, doing the hard work it takes to get to a place where you want to live again. You can search for a group in your area by going to the GriefShare website griefshare.org and type in your zip code. It will bring up a group near you, it is a nationwide organization. You can also sign up for daily emails of hope that will come to you one each day for 365 days. I pray that you all can find the peace you need, and God is definitely the one who will do that for you. God bless. Barb
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Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on -
God bless you all, and as far as I am concerned, your hearts are so close to God and you are walking on holy ground. I lost my beloved last April and it’s barely “sinking in”. I have to come to terms with it each new day--as you all know how each new day, we have to come to terms with the reality of this horror (LOSS). We dont understand one bit of it. I have faith in God and find that I need it even more after such a loss.
My heart goes out to you too as you cope with the loss of your son, your wife, and your lovedones.Tell me how you each cope with the emotions daily and what helps the most?
Do you do what I d o and DISTRACT YOUR MIND BY BEING VERY BUSY?How do I honor the first anniversary. I am a broken hearted women. and long to see the sweet face of my Barry. LIFE hurts! now, my innocence is gone, I now know that this is all so so so fleeting and yet, I try to appreciate every moment left with lovedones...
blessings, Vee, Colorado
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Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on
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Dearest Jim, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved, Betty. I too just lost my darling, Barry, last April. and yes, it is a year, but you too will see in one year, and two or 5, we still long for them and cannot believe it!!!!! Barry was an Anthropology professor who was the humblest of men I knew, he lived his life for others and had planned to retire this year and he passed in his sleep last April 16th. I More than miss him!! I LONG For him and daily my brain pretends its not real! he’s out there somewhere If I just look long enough, I’ll find him--or If I could just “find his new phone number” makes no sense!!
How do you cope? daily? Do you keep her picture close by? does that help ?
I have to find a way to appropriately honor this first anniversary this April 16th???
I look for him daily and miss him with so many reminderss...I learned that we never feel we appreciated the love as much as we could have (due to the stark reality of loss now).
I am so sorry for your huge loss : (
Blessings and gentle hugs, Vee, COloraod
Jim Charles said:Recently I searched the internet to find a website to help me cope with the lost of my wife, Betty. My search was to find a source to help me understand why I was feeling lost. Betty and I were married for over 35 years and we had planned to spend more time together after I retire. Unfortunately a year before I had decided to retire, my wife was told that she had terminal cancer. Each day I hoped and prayed that she would get well, but after several surgeries and treatments she passed away on November 13, 2011. My faith was shattered and my will to live was no longer with me. Even today I have a difficult time trying to find reasons why this had to happened to me just when we were going to enjoy our time together. We planned to visit families and I was looking forward to just having those nice quiet walks we used to take whenever I was on leave. Even though my lovely wife passed away over a year ago, I still have difficulties trying to adjust to a different lifestyle. Days of wondering if I can make it without her presence or touch. Life just doesn't seem normal for me anymore. Both of my children are grown and live nearby which gives me comfort because I can see a little of my wife's attributes in each of them. Each day I try to pray and ask the Lord for comfort and to rid my emotional pain. The pain is still with me, but I feel I can go another day. I don't think we ever remove the pain for our loss only to adjust in small ways to live another day. Take Care....j
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Permalink Reply by Jim Charles on
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Vee, thank you for your kind words. I'm very sorry about your lost. Barry sounds like he was an interesting individual especially with his background and education as an Anthropologist. I went to school in Durango and received a degree in Anthropology and later obtained an MA in Anthropology because it held such an interest to understand other cultures. Yes, each day is a reminder to me of Betty and there isn't a day that has gone by that I don't think about her. Some days are hard and other days I feel that everything will be okay. How do I cope? It's not easy and for the first year all I did was not believing what had happened. I used to call Betty almost each day just to talk with her and let her know what is going on at work and we would talk about our daily routines. I miss those calls and miss sitting down with Betty. My therapist recommended that I take walks each day, which I try to do and it helps a little. I even try to set a goal each day to focus my mind on a task or two just to keep myself from thinking too much about my wife. My son and daughter, who live nearby keeps me busy and so that helps plus my three grandkids do keep me entertain. My wife's picture are almost in each room and each day I stop for a minute or two and look at the photo and try to remember something that we did in the past such as a trip we took, something funny we used to do, or say to each other. I know its hard but I've learned to adjust and try to convince myself that the Lord has given me another day on earth to do something to honor my wife. What I have found to help is to find someone to talk to about your spouse because this helps to keep the memories alive of the fun times. I hope everything turns out well for you this week. Hope this helps..Jim
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Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on
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Charles, Beloved the Lord is with us...
I SO appreciate your reply! As you know grief is such a loney lonely empty place. I am new to this..it will be a year this Tuesday : ( I am trying to figure out how I can commemorate it. I have a big back yard so was thinking of making a garden area (of course that’s a large feat, but I can BEGIN IT). Your story resonates with me, although I wish Barry and I would of had that many years, but what are those years when they are past and lost in the sense that the cord has been broken--for now. As a believer in Christ, I believe we’ll see our lovedones again. It’s my great hope! I wish I could go back and have one more moment with Barry; coffee talk; walk the dogs; shop; text; and our daily chats on the phone. ISNT the phone part one of the hardest???? to me it is!! I go crazy with grief and loss when I wish I could “Just find his new phone number!!” “IF I could only find Barry, It would be okay”. My bargaining stage seems to be hanging on. Or my denial stage.
I saw a therapist too: I saw the Hospice counselor and a psychiatrist and it helps...I also keep pictures of my Barry and it really helps to feel close.
He would love to hear you studied Anthropology, He studied and also did some kind of sabatical there I think??? He talked of Durango often. Durango is beautiful!!I see it as GOD chooses how long I have now, and so I must do my duty and do my best, it helps me feel better about surviving I think. Ive also learned that when we pass, no one can replace us--we are irreplaceable.
I too have grandchildren: 2; ages 1 year and 3 years. I find so much joy in their cute faces. I have a daughter and her hubby moved to Salida for his policeman job and I miss her so much...
I thank you for writing to me. So you are about a year and half in...Hospice counselor told me it takes at least 2 years to feel a little “okay or normal” again. How sad for us now to imagine that, it’s lke we are letting them go. But we know we’ll never let go.
blessings, Vee
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Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on
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Jim Charles, I sent you an earlier message. But wanted to add how wonderful for you that you got your M.A. in Anthropology. Barry was very interested in Hermeneutics and the Native American Culture. He also wrote a book on the families of coal miners:( Pennsylvania Coal Mining Families: Dignity in the Coalfiends). He was so compassionate and so good at seeing the tiniest nuances of a person. He was so so generous with me too! he was the most sensitive man I ever met. I am so sad and so shocked, still, that he is gone. I am sure you know exaclty what I mean.
Thanks JC, Vee
Jim Charles said:Vee, thank you for your kind words. I'm very sorry about your lost. Barry sounds like he was an interesting individual especially with his background and education as an Anthropologist. I went to school in Durango and received a degree in Anthropology and later obtained an MA in Anthropology because it held such an interest to understand other cultures. Yes, each day is a reminder to me of Betty and there isn't a day that has gone by that I don't think about her. Some days are hard and other days I feel that everything will be okay. How do I cope? It's not easy and for the first year all I did was not believing what had happened. I used to call Betty almost each day just to talk with her and let her know what is going on at work and we would talk about our daily routines. I miss those calls and miss sitting down with Betty. My therapist recommended that I take walks each day, which I try to do and it helps a little. I even try to set a goal each day to focus my mind on a task or two just to keep myself from thinking too much about my wife. My son and daughter, who live nearby keeps me busy and so that helps plus my three grandkids do keep me entertain. My wife's picture are almost in each room and each day I stop for a minute or two and look at the photo and try to remember something that we did in the past such as a trip we took, something funny we used to do, or say to each other. I know its hard but I've learned to adjust and try to convince myself that the Lord has given me another day on earth to do something to honor my wife. What I have found to help is to find someone to talk to about your spouse because this helps to keep the memories alive of the fun times. I hope everything turns out well for you this week. Hope this helps..Jim
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Permalink Reply by Jim Charles on
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Vee, I know that the date of Barry's passing is tomorrow and I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayer. It was very difficult for me when the one year anniversary of my wife's passing came and it seemed that hardly anyone including her sibling even said anything to me. I just sat at the house alone that day thinking of her and wished I could just give her a hug. It was a painful day for me. We were married on January 19th and that day was also painful because I used to sent her flowers no matter where I was stationed. The day I went through her personal things, I found many of the cards that accompanied the flowers. To this day, the majority of her personal belonging is still in the closets and in the dresser. Just the way she left them. It's still to difficult for me to give any of her things away. I did give my daughter a nice watch and a Columbia jacket that I bought for my wife. Even after a year or 1 year and a half, I still grieve. After my wife passed away, I took my therapist's recommendation and went back to work but my mind was no longer focused on the job. About 10 months later, I decided to retire from federal service. I drank for awhile to alleviate the hurt and didn't want to go outside the house. I had no interest in talking to anyone either. One of my sister did kept in contact with me and that helped. Also one of my wife's best friend kept in constant touch with me to see how I was getting along. These days, rarely does anyone say anything to me about Betty which bothers me because she was always concerned about other people's welfare. Last January I finally decided just before Lent to give up drinking because I knew my wife would have wanted me to move on with my life. These days I try to be more optimistic by praying for better days. By the way, I looked up the book that Barry authored and it had some great reviews. Take each day as they come Vee and fix up a special place in your garden for Barry. From your description of Barry, he was a special person that you don't often find these days. Take Care...j
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Permalink Reply by Raquel Santiago on -
On May 7th my stepfather passed in Toledo, Ohio and the showing and funeral were days apart, May 9th showing funeral May 10th this was after battliing cancer for 7 years. He was 90. As a crisis/grief counselor many times its easier for me to separate emotions when dealing with a client who has lost a loved one but when it really hits home, nothing, not even education can prepare us for the pain. He was buried with military honors. Now im just trying to get through the last few days of classes and my final papers and going through the motions b ut feeling nothing but pain and remembering my partner who was killed by a drunk driver in 2003. R.I.P Paul Poe Sr, he leaves behind a huge legacy and even bigger shoes to fill and a lot of grief that will heal over time but this one is going to take a long time. My half-brother Junior gave up his life in November to Cancer and just found out that my niece was put into a medically-induced coma due to cancer. Not sure how much more pain this family can take but we are strong.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Charles on
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I'm sorry to hear about your recent lost and the pain you are experiencing. It's very difficult to know what to say to anyone once someone close to them has passed away. I guess the simplest word is just to say you're sorry. Take Care...james
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