Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

Discussion Forum

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Barbara Sullivan Aug 24. 5 Replies

widowed at 46 I feel so alone

Started by melissa lyons. Last reply by Donna G Aug 24. 1 Reply

Newly Bereaved

Started by Dorothy Facciponte. Last reply by Theresa Wimann Jul 29. 25 Replies

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Comment by Judy D Gamble on September 5, 2014 at 8:46pm

Thanks so much Marsha, Jane and Carol.  I know you understand and that helps.  One day at a time is all I can do.  I got an e-mail today from an former co-worker (guy) in another state who asked me if I was dating yet and had I found a new companion.  Couldn't believe it!  Well, he's sick and on dialysis but talk about being insensitive.  No one will ever replace my John and that's the way it is.  I met a 70 year old lady in the hospice grief class who was really torn up, or seemed to be.  9 months later she married an older (90) man she met in a hospice supper group of widows and widowers.  Don't understand it at all.

Hugs, Judy

Comment by Marsha H on September 1, 2014 at 3:44pm

Carol ...  I feel the same way as you do about being with our spouses rolling down the highway looking forward to be doing things together.  Now, like many I have to watch family, friends and other couples do it and I envy them so much.  It's easier for widowers to hop in their car and just take off, but for women traveling alone isn't such a good idea unless they are visiting family or friends at the end of their destination.

Hope you are hanging in there girl.



Comment by Marsha H on September 1, 2014 at 3:42pm

Jane P ... Your post was so well put.  I'm getting frown lines!  LOL  I guess I'll have to use tape to put a perpetual smile on my face because right now I'm finding it difficult.



Comment by Marsha H on September 1, 2014 at 3:41pm

Dear Judy ...  All of us on here understand how you feel.  You are still in raw grief right now and I, myself try to keep busy with my small immediate family (only one brother and his family) and a few friends.  I found after Ernie passed away April, 2011 at the age of 65 and almost 40 years of marriage that many of friends who still have spouses no longer included me in functions they had.  I was in total shock even though grief counseling warned the members this could happen.  I can still feel like I'm a ghost where I see others, but they don't see me and now I realize that when Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer he took have my soul with him.  I try to remember the good memories only to wish them back and I forge ahead as best I can to try and reinvent who I am now.  It's a difficult path, but in time we do start to feel a little stronger.

I wish there were words that would comfort you and what you are going through is very normal.  As Jane P put it so well we wear 2 masks ... one for society and the other for ourselves.  I can still have days where I cry and wish I had Ernie back, but these times aren't as frequent as time moved on.  I will always have him in my heart, but I made a promise I'd be OK and I want to do the best I can.  I try to lean on my faith, family and friends and hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Wish I could give you a big hug!


Comment by Carol Kayser on September 1, 2014 at 3:19pm

Jane P. what an excellent description of how we feel and present ourselves to the world in general.  We are all doing what needs to be done daily, but in the peace and solitude of our own time, our true feelings can come through. I wonder if we can ever be whole again, I guess parts of us can be, but the parts that really count are pretty broken....thus we learn to live with this truth.




Comment by Carol Kayser on September 1, 2014 at 3:15pm

Dear Marsha, I am thinking of you because as you say, you had those special dates in August also for Ernie.  Jack's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks too, so it seems everything is close together doesn't it.  Each passing year it is a little less stressful on me, I just focus on the love and the memories and cherish those wonderful times.  True though Marsha, I miss my Jack so much as you do Ernie and as we all miss our loved ones here.  It's this time of our lives when  we should be rolling down the highway together, smiling and laughing on  our way to somewhere, as we had all planned.!


Love & hugs,


Comment by Jane P. on September 1, 2014 at 5:27am

Judy, What you are experiencing is what I refer to as the 2 faces of grief.  The first face is the one the world sees, the one that appears to be doing just fine and the other is the face held behind closed doors, the face that shows just how deep our grief is.  Many of us can confirm we too wore those two faces.  At times, I felt as though I should receive the academy award for how well I thought I fooled everyone with my outside face, when all the time my heart was broken.  Unless your therapist and the people you are dealing with have experienced a loss such as ours they have NO CLUE as to the intensity of our grief.   You are one half of being whole and you are trying to reinvent yourself.  You are trying to deal with just waking up and putting one foot in front of the other.  Life is tough and time may make it feel as if life was  easier but for me there is a piece of me still missing and yes I still wear my two faces of grief. Hugs, Jane P.

Comment by Carol Kayser on August 31, 2014 at 8:16pm
Dear Judy. I am sorry about your loss of your beloved John, my sweetheart was John too but went by Jack. It's a hard road to walk but everyone here is caring, loving and supportive. One day at a time is my advice, it helps the loss to be slightly more bearable.

Comment by Carol Kayser on August 31, 2014 at 8:12pm
Thanks so much to Karen, Jane P. Janeo and Barb and Wilela. I hope you know how much your words mean to me. My dear heart was a sweet, kind, funny guy who truly was the only one who could make me laugh. How I miss that! I seem to be so serious now and it saddens me. Though Jack wouldn't want me to be sad I know that for sure!!

Family are having dinner together then going to the park:).

Love & hugs.
Comment by janeo on August 31, 2014 at 6:58pm

You been a great friend and good advice. I wish there was something I can say or do for you.
your in my prayers.

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