Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Activity: 9 minutes ago
Started by JJ Currie. Last reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson yesterday.
Started by Angela Giallombardo. Last reply by C Roundtree on Wednesday.
Started by Angela Giallombardo. Last reply by Jane P. May 16.
Janeo and to my extended family ... I apologize for not being on the forum as usual, but I am truly not feeling well and fighting a battled with doctors and seem to be climbing mountains getting any of them to listen and it's exhausting me beyond belief. I know I am still grieving to a degree in my second year and miss my Ernie with every breath I take, but I am smart enough to know that I have a health issue that the doctors don't seem to want to get a handle on. I have been flat on my back for 3 days and yesterday was the first time I went out with my girlfriend to go to Target, but felt like I was walking on a cloud, felt nauseated and just not well. Once home I hit the sofa and slept for almost 2 hours. Because I live alone it terrifies me and the most frightening thing is before my husband passed away from pancreatic cancer 7 years before he had undiagnosed Celiac Disease and the doctors allowed his 6' 6" frame to go down to 156 lbs. It was terrifying for Ernie and certainly for me until I took the bull by the horns and got him into ER and refused to take him home as they wanted me to. Now here I am going through similar symptoms (been tested for wheat-gluten disorder and don't have it) and have gone down from 136 lbs. to 94 lbs., and nothing is being done about it. I don't have the fight in me anymore as dealing with Ernie's health issues took everything I had. I am 71 years old (don't look it) but between grieving and trying to manage a small home I just don't have the strength anymore. My immediate family is small and I know they wouldn't ask me to stay with them until I got on my feet and no one here to watch over me on a 24 hour basis I have to phone a friend to do grocery shopping for me sometimes. I feel lonely, frightened and every time I see the doctors I come home with not much solution to my problems and it takes every ounce of strength I have to get to those appointments. I feel good health care is for the young here and I even asked my doctor the question 'how well are seniors looked after or, are they just given minimal health care because they have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel?' His answer was 'Seniors are getting much better care than ever before.' I looked at him and said, 'Hell, where? I hear horror stories regarding seniors all the time.' I asked to be put into hospital and it just doesn't happen here ... I know because I went through it with my husband. So, I just pray and if I live great and if I die then shame on them!
Thank you for caring and praying for me.
Veronica ... I am so sorry you are going through so much with his family and it's not uncommon. Sometimes when the love of our life dies we forget that other's grieve (usually their immediate family) and in their own way. I went through hell with my husband's sister and her family and almost had to ban them from the hospital, but hesitated because he was terminal and I thought it would too cruel to do so, but limited the visits to 1/2 hour visits. I forgive them for what they did (taking precious time from my love and I while he was terminally ill in hospital) but as Christopher says, you can't control things so I have simply forgiven and moved on. Grief can bring the best and worst out in people. I am so proud of you for looking at this painful time in your life with forgiveness.
Viewing the body for a loved one is not for everyone, but, for your sake it would have been kinder if they allowed you do so and his family wouldn't have had to attend. Remember that the body is a vessel of our spirit/soul and his spirit surrounds you and those he loves. In the end of a life cycle no matter how hard our grief is we are left with our own private and loving memories of our beloved. No one can take that away. You didn't cause his life's problems or his death and I think you know that. He was an adult that could make his own decisions. With grief most go through a 'guilt process' of 'I should have do this or that' to 'why didn't I know more or see what truly was going on.' The truth of these guilt issues is that we simply are limited to a degree to what we can see and do and many times life throws things at us that we have o control over. After the person is deceased guilt hits everyone that loved that person and each one tries to deal with it in their own way. I pray that in the future his family comes around and finds peace in their grief (and it will take time) and will accept you for the person that their beloved loved.
Janeo and Jane P Thank you for your kind comments. This is not the first year for me Janeo. It will be three years in August and the pain of losing him seems to be getting worse. We spent 24 hours a day together and I cannot face my life without him. I waited so long for the unconditional love he gave me - the only person in my whole life who loved me like that (and I him).. I just feel worse with every passing day and looking forward to a future of perhaps many years without him scares me rigid. He died so suddenly - I was never given the chance to say goodbye. We were elderly sweethearts. I was 42 and he 50 when we married and so we had no children and we just lived for one another and I cannot face life without him and somehow this week has seemed the longest and the toughest. I appreciate all that all of you are trying to do for me but this time I cannot seem to dig myself up from that deep black pit of despair. I was the luckiest woman in the World to have his love and now feel just raw flesh where my heart should be. How does one ever get over this pain? I honestly thought that after nearly three years it would be easing off but instead it seems to be getting worse. Maybe because I am now in my seventies - too old to work and apparently too young to die so far.
Helen, I do that all the time look around my house and see all our treasures and since I am the end of the line here my treasures will be someone eases junk! However, my treasures bring me happiness, sadness and they trigger memories of better times. But I also thank God for my home, these treasures, my memories and the strength to make it through these dark days of grief. Hugs, Jane P.
I've just been mulling over how pointless everything now seems without our loves. Morley (my husband) spent 2 years lecturing at Harvard on a Carnegie scholarhsip and as a present one year, I spent a year making a cross stitsh about Massachusetts, Vermont, Maine in fact all the eastern seaboard around that area. It is huge and took me a year and I look at it now and it seems so pointless as he is not longer here to enjoy it. When I die someone will probably rip it out of its frame and used the frame for something else. In fact as I look around the house at all the things we collected, the whole thing feels so pointless. I have spend most of this week in tears for one reason or another and just don't want to wake up tomorrow. I no longer enjoy being in my house surrounded by our previous memories because they were OUR memories and without him there seems to point in anything anymore. I just wish it was all over and whoever buys this house will throw all this stuff away because they will want their own memories so what it the point of it all.
Just remember, those who are angry and blameful are probably the ones without any peace or direction. We have to be patient(ain't easy...I'm dealing with a daughter who wouldn't even invite me to my grand-daughters high school graduation. What's up with that?) but, I am praying for her to soften, and will just let go, because I have no control over her.
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