God, it is just awful and painful to not have any recollection or memories of anything, especially of happy ones of past nine or 10 years, infact, none or not so many of past sixteen?
I met my partner 16 years ago and it developed into a friendship in the beginning and we started living together about 10 years ago. The living together situation was dictated by circumstances at that time which is hard to explain here without writing a large volume. But I ll say this, my partner liked me as a person and as a friend and deeply valued our friendship when we first met, and I was smitten. I was not his type but he was definitely my ideal type in character, personality and appearance and I liked him the instance I saw him the very first time and was head over heels. Hope this gives some idea to the readers on the back ground.
He was very affectionate, kind, gentle, gracious, loving, nurturing person. A great mentor and a cheer leader. Eventually, he began to like me and friend ship turned into love. Though both of us, while living together, never characterized our sharing of house more than friendship and housemates to others in especially the straight world of family and friends and colleagues. He passed away a couple weeks shy of his 72nd birthday two and half month ago, and I am going to be 44 this years of age this year.
When he was alive I had ambitions, hopes, desires, jealousy, and happiness of sorts just because of his presence in my life, but after we started living together 10 years ago I soaked myself in Alcohol and smoked (cigarettes) a lot. I stayed boozy most of the time and started neglected him in sort of ways such as not listening when he tried to make a conversation, not spending much time with him talking, or watching cartoons, or snuggling, or loving intimacy, or eating together, I just closed myself and shut down myself to his presence and needs. Why, why, why…? I think I got with that stigma that my partner though loves me very much, which he showed in many ways, but I can never be his type therefore, will not give him that satisfaction and ultimate love which I wanted to give him to make and fill his life and mine as well with full of joy and satisfaction at multiple levels.
In the first few years of our friendship after we met for the first time, I was very patient and full of desires and dedication to win his friendship and heart, which I eventually did, but then for some reason gave it up.
What the hell was and is wrong with me? Am I that selfish and self centered and stupid to understand human emotions and needs especially of those you really thought you loved deeply and cared for? What kind of a love and care is that? Also, knowing fully well, but not realizing or accepting that in his age men respond to certain feelings and emotions differently, and there exists some age related limitations especially when someone who has a terminal illness? Was I blinded by my own desires? On top of that, I ignored my partner’s illness and believed that he still has many more years to go. I guess subconsciously I was denying the reality and unwilling to face. I also think I was angry, very angry, and that is why I wanted to drink and go to sleep at night. I never drank to party or clubbing.
Please do not get me wrong, I loved him deeply and miss him terribly. It is so painful that every minute of my life is unbearable. I could have killed myself with boozing way too much after his passing. Which was triggered by the guilt of not hugging him the day when I took him to the hospital for the last time, and not spending night and evenings by his bed side every day while he was in the hospital.
Oh goodness gracious, my emotions are like whack a mole ever since.
The only reason, I am alive or not terminally ill from alcohol poising or depression is because my parents and siblings took me in for emotional nourishment. I am fortunate in that sense. Even my own family does not understand the depth of relationship we had, but the only thing which they understand that we shared a house and became very close. Just like when two people bond like best friends but not more, therefore, my grief is reasonable and acceptable. I am from a different culture where it is not as much open and acceptable as it is in US.
but after when he is gone, I am trying to be dry and have been for three weeks only because I am here in a place where I am surrounded by my loving family which helps curb the cravings or the unjustified or irrational impulses, plus the discouraging environment and culture which kinda forces you to abstain and considers it immoral, otherwise, I do not have a strong will power to do it on my own. Though I have not quit smoking yet, but will try during the time I am here. But, all my ambitions, desires of happiness and socializing seize to exist. Though surrounded by family and friends, now exercising regularly for last week, but feel like I do not have any energy, or desire to go on, or have a legacy, and loneliness and longingness looms so profoundly that it is un-bearable at times actually most of the time. I miss my partner, I loved him deeply and dearly but was not able to show it in consistent manner I think after probably year 2000 or 2003. Why I did not stay the way as used to be in behavior and affection and in showing my love and doing things with him which he liked and enjoyed whether willing or half heartedly? What happened to me? Why I did not offer financial help which I could have in some capacity. I could have just simply done it, which I wanted to but I did not. What was wrong with me? Why all of a sudden I became so cold knowing fully well how deeply I loved and cared for him but failed to show and do.
Furthermore, after month or so of his passing, I found myself browsing the dating sites and have had urges, but then the guilt would set in. Is this normal? I do not know. At time it feels like I am looking for him or a lookalike on these sites and other times it feels like I am searching for own physical or emotional desires. I just do not know what these twisted emotions or acts are. I do not mean to offend anyone, but I took care of myself, if you know what I am implying, while thinking of him or looking at others on sites and had a terrible feeling of guilt afterwards.
I feel like a terribly lost, immoral, and confused person.
I apolozize for such a long post.
Any comments or suggestion, even condemning or scolding on moral grounds from my fellow men and women of my orientation or not will be appreciated.