Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A place for people who are going through loss to support one another .
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Started by Robbyn Matilsky. Last reply by Jen W. 20 hours ago.
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My brother was shot in the head by his roommate and friend 5 months ago at age 29. I don't know if those of us who have lost our siblings to violence will ever have all the answers we seek. It doesn't ever "make sense" that they were taken this way. I am heartbroken for you that you had to endure those tasks for your family, and I also think you are very strong for doing so. My grief is quite fresh and I have sought counseling aside from this support site. I think it may be something for you to try. Have you read any books on sibling loss? Nothing is the magic cure for grief, and our grief will never go away, but I feel like anything that eases it slightly is worth a shot. One book that I thought very helpful was Tj Wray's "Surviving the Loss of a Sibling." I felt like everything she was saying in the book was exactly how I was feeling. If nothing else, it lets you know that you are not alone and that there are people that have good advice out there. I think the hardest thing in this process, esp when it comes to violent deaths, is the acceptance of what is true and then making something "positive" from it. Not that anyone's loss is positive, but I hope that I will find some small way to change my life for the better now that I have lost my brother, in a way to keep his legacy alive. Maybe someday you can look at your precious little niece, and instead of the overwhelming sadness you can see his life accomplishment. He created her and she is a piece of him that you have on this earth. I hope that will someday bring you some joy! I really think there is no harm done in trying counseling, and you might have to search around before you find the "right" counseling. Best of luck.
Hello all, I am new to this and really do not know where to go. I lost my brother almost 2 years ago to murder and it just seems to have a huge affect on me almost on a daily basis.
Little things can so easily bring me into tears and I just can not seem to get a hold of myself. I feel part of it has to do with the violent and unanswered questions, the why and reason for it, but we have not even been able to get answers or "justice" because the person who shot my brother 13 times while he sat in his truck, in a shopping center then drive 2 miles away and committed suicide, so I feel like it left so many unanswered questions.
Being the oldest, I was the one who had to look at my mom and see the raw hurt and anger in her eyes, even to this day. I was the one who had to id him and see the damage the 13 bullets did to my little brother and the hardest was having to clean his blood off of his personal belongings that they had bagged, before I could give them to my mom, Having his blood run over my hands literally brought me to the ground in the hardest tears I have ever cried. The identification of his body and claiming his personal property is something I did, to protect my mom, something I do not think I could ever tell her was done. The detective in the case would not even disclose the number of times he was shot to her, but he did to me because he felt it best that she did not need to know.
Everyday that has gone by doesn't seem to be much easier than the one before. I still have wake up in the middle of the night and see him laying on that table, I look at his daughter(who was born 4 months after his death) and see him so much in her and it just pains me to the core. My husband is a good man, but he worries about me, and the affect all this has on my daily life. I try and act like everything is fine and try not to let it bring me down so much, but there are some days we will be just sitting watching tv, and he will look over at me and ill just be sitting there, tears streaming. He suggested I find counseling, or a support group to perhaps help me somewhat better accept what is. All I want to do it have a few days where i dont break down. I want to accept it, and think ive done pretty good with getting on with life, but emotionally, its still so fresh to me.
Any suggestions, thoughts advice?
I can't say that I know exacly how you feel, because I don't, but I had/have a hard time thinking about the foreverness of the loss. I lost my sister 6 months ago, and every day I expect to pick up the phone and it be her on the other end. Like Jennifer and Gramaokie said, 2 months is such a short period of time....I have been learning the there is no timeline for grief. Everyone may have an expectation on how long it should take you to be "ok" based on their personal experiance, but everyone has a different relationship with the people that they lose...so your loss of your brother is probably leaps and bounds different from my loss of my sister.
Know that it does take a long time for the shock to wear off. for me, I am still in shock and it comes back to me little by little. Know that we are all here for you in your journey through your grief.
Take care :)
Kris. Im sorry to hear about your brother. I lost mine 2 years ago just passed. you dont ever get over. you only go through. I think about my brother every single day and still have a hard time accepting he isnt coming back. 2 months is a drop on the journey. Be kind to yourself and know that he isn't gone. i had the same fear as you being alone just this morning.. If you do believe in an afterlife then know he walks beside you always. We are never truly alone. Surround yourself with friends and family. don't let anyone dictate your grief process. it takes what it takes. I'm still trying to get through one day at a time. we are all here to chat too:) xx
Kris: Losing your brother suddenly is so sad, especially during the holidays. Two months in the grief process is a VERY brief time. We know there's no time table for grieving. My brother's 4th Angel Day will be March 9. I still think of him and miss him daily. The pain of loss is still there after 4 years, but it's bearable now. He died alone at home from a seizure at age 58. Just 8 weeks later (May 7) my 84 year old daddy died. I now have my mother and a brother who lives in another state. Sometimes it feels very lonely. I do have my daughter, 2 granddaughters, my angel brother's daughter & grandchildren, and my other brother's 3 adult kids. They are very important to me. My prayer for you is for strength and God's comfort as you mourn your brother. (((HUGS)))
I really feel your pain. I am so sorry for your loss.
For me, there is a huge hole in my heart for Lisa that no one can fill. But I believe God gives us the desire to live and go on but certainly I am forever changed. You are very valuable and I am sure very needed. Someday we will know all the answers but for now everyday we need to hold on.
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