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I LOST MY BROTHER

I lost my brother Clarence one week ago today. Im trying to deal with it--but it is bothering me so much. I dont think he ever knew how much I loved him or cared about him. He just came back here to NJ after being in GA for 4 yrs. I had heard that he had throat surgery there a few times---but my mom never said it was cancerous. My brother came her on November 20th to be with my mom. I live with my mom to help her with the mortgage, etc and My brother came and I remember feeling like--why is he back here. My mom babied him since forever, even at 58 she still did everything for him. He sort of took over our back room and I remember my sister was really upset cause we had our treadmill in there and our WII and he pretty much was in there all the time. He had told my mom that he wanted to get a job so he could give money towards the mortgage and he also wanted to try and get insurance so he could go to the doctor. He got a job and it was wearing him out--but he went and worked. He started to give a bit of money and I know he tried and I was ok with that. My mom was feeling bad cause me and my sister were giving her a hard time about the back room and why did she always baby him, etc. One nite I saw my mom looking really sad and I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she felt caught in the middle, she said she would help any of her children and that is what she was doing for him---she said she was worried about him cause she knows he wasnt feeling well and she said she just felt upset. I told her I would back off and that I was sorry and that I wish he didnt have to work and I wish I could help him with the insurance--but I have not that much money myself. In the meantime my brother gave me rent money and also gave me money to start putting away for him in an account that I created for him---it had a decent interest rate and he wanted to save money so he could retire one day and not have to worry. I wanted to help him with that and I did. He only had $10 in there and he gave me $80 to put in for him and he asked me to let him know how much interest the account was getting and I told him I would. The last nite I seen him was on sat 1/21/12. I had come home from work and he asked me how I was and how was work and I remember saying --- looong. We chatted for just a few and I said I was gonna go clean my room and he said good nite and that was that. The next morning as I was about to get in the shower, my mom screamed the loudest scream I have ever heard her scream -- she screamed my name and the whole house went running. My brother couldnt talk and was foaming at the mouth---i didnt see it--but I was told to call 911 quick and I did. The ambulance came and took him---my mom rushed in her car behind. She called later and said that he had a massive stroke and that he had a blood clot in his brain stem, they had to do surgery. She said that before they took him----he was holding her hand and wouldnt let go--they had to pry his hand from hers and she said he had tears rolling down his cheek. That was the last time my brother ever had an emotion. My brother died on Friday 1/27/12---he never woke from the surgery---they said the massive stroke affected his brain so bad that he was brain dead. The look in my mom's eyes--the tears, the regrets, the pain. It is soo much and I am trying to deal but it is not easy. I feel guilty that i was irritated when he came, I feel guilty that I never told him how I felt about him, I feel guilty for the pain I caused my mom and now he is gone. All she said when he died was I told you he was sick. I should of been ther for my brother---but I didnt know. I found out that when he was in GA, he use to talk about me and my sister and brag about where I work and the people I get to meet. He would talk about my daughters and say how smart they were and he would tell my mom that she, me and my sister and my other sister and brother in law were the only people who really cared for him. I feel like I let him down, I feel like I wasnt there---I did talk to my brother and I would give him money if he needed it. I would pay whatever he needed when he wanted me to---but I still feel like I let him down. I never told him that I loved him---atleast not in a very long time and I am sorry for that. Now my mom is down--really down and I dont know how to take her pain away. I have already lost a brother and sister back in 1995---they died within 6 weeks of each other. That was sooo hard to deal with then, but we got through----but this is just so hard and I loved him so much and I was just talking to him and now he is gone. The funeral was on Tue 1/31 and I went back to work on Thu 2/2---but I am just sitting there. All I think about is how I should of been a better sister and hopw much I miss him and how much my mom is hurting and how I regret even being mad or upset about anything about him. I would give anything to have him back...but it wont happen. I am starting to think about my mom so much cause she is 76 now and now that I have lost a total of 3 siblings and her 3 children---I feel like she is gonna leave me and something will happen to her and then I will just be crushed. I am starting to get scared about that and I just dont know what to do. I feel depressed and lost and I just wish I could bring him back and also take her pain away.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Jones on February 3, 2012 at 6:08pm

I am so sorry to hear about your brother; I lost mine in September from lung cancer. I understand the pain of loss, regrets, and seeing the pain in your mother's eyes because I've seen it in my mother's eyes as well....I'm thankful he doesn't have the pain, but still miss him every day. I pray that he can see down at us and see that we are okay...

You will go through the grieving for as long as you need to, and I feel so much for you....just know that I'll pray for you and I'm giving you a hug right now....

Permalink Reply by Lynzee on February 3, 2012 at 6:47pm

Dear Luciana,

I am so sorry for all you are feeling and going through ..... your post made me cry....literally...it brought back so many of the feelings that I have also. My brother died over 2 years ago, yet it can all seem so fresh...the guilt, the feelings of wishing I would have said and done more.

I can feel the anquish & overwhelming sorrow in all the words you wrote... you are going thru so much right now and I hope you find some relief in just expressing what you are feeling.

I had a strange relationship with my brother, he lived at home with my aging Mom and there was some friction also because I also felt like my Mom 'babied' him. So many things you wrote remind me of my feelings.

All I can say for you is, in time, you will be able to tolerate the pain a little more although right now that probably seems unimaginable....Please don't beat yourself up wishing you would have 'been better sister'. I'm sure your brother knew you loved him. I too, never told my brother how I felt about him and now have soooo many regrets. I guess it's all just a part of the human-life experience.... we all think we're going to have forever to be with each other. It takes such a significant loss to realize how precious life is.

Give yourself PLENTY of time to grieve... to cry.... to feel all the emotions you are going thru. It would maybe be helpful to find a support group in your area to go to. Usually just being with other grievers can give some comfort. I hope you can find some peace in your heart. I know how very very difficult it can be. Be patient with yourself and support your Mom best you can. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Luciana Flanders on February 4, 2012 at 2:49pm

Thank you Linda----Im sorry to hear about your brother and I soo feel your pain. Im thankful as well that my brother doesnt have pain---but I cant get his voice out of my head---him wanting to save enough to retire. Now he cant retire, he is gone. I just wish I was a better sister----I wish I could of helped him---I wish I talked to him more that night. I feel like I was selfish and I just didnt know he would be gone. I know as time goes by it will get easier----but again the pain in my mom's eyes. I have been talking to her about it and I told her and I really believe this, GOD sent him here for Clarence to be with my mom in his last days. She loved him soo much---she told me last nite she lost her casino buddy. They just went like a few weeks ago and they both won--nothing huge but enough for my brother to have a big smile on his face and say to me "Luciana, here is the rent money and here is some money to put in the account u made for me". He was so happy and proud. GOD has his reasons and I am not angry at the LORD. Im angry with myself and again so sad that I didnt do more for him. Thank you so much for your kind words and your HUG---I so needed it and I am sending one back your way!!!! GOD Bless.

Linda Jones said:

I am so sorry to hear about your brother; I lost mine in September from lung cancer. I understand the pain of loss, regrets, and seeing the pain in your mother's eyes because I've seen it in my mother's eyes as well....I'm thankful he doesn't have the pain, but still miss him every day. I pray that he can see down at us and see that we are okay...

You will go through the grieving for as long as you need to, and I feel so much for you....just know that I'll pray for you and I'm giving you a hug right now....

Permalink Reply by Luciana Flanders on February 4, 2012 at 3:05pm

Hi Lynzee---I am glad that you understand the pain I feel. I hope I didnt bring back too much pain to you----its just that I feel all those feelings. I am trying to stay strong in front of my mom, but the tears keep flowing. I just hate that I was not a better sister----I should of done more for him---Like I told Linda, I am not mad at GOD for choosing to take him and not letting him suffer here on earth---Im mad at myself for all the mean things I have probably said over the years about my brother. I just thought he would always be here. I didnt know the stuff he went thru in GA, noone ever told me. I remember a few years back I think he called me and I missed the call and I never called him back. I dont know why I didnt, I just didnt. I think me working all the time and trying to make it and help my mom and stuff, if I ever had time to myself---I would just do my own thing. I never called him---that isnt odd for me though, cause I never really call anyone---but I always did ask my mom how he was and how he was feeling. I think about the room he was staying in in our house and how much we complained to my mom---I dont even want to go back there now. I remember before he passed, when he was at work we went in the room to play the WII and me and my sister were saying how we felt the room was beginning to smell like him----when I went back there the day he died, the room smelled like him and I was was breathing it in deep and praying the smell would not go away. I appreciate the smell now, as they say too little too late. I thank you for letting me know someone else out there feels the way I do. I dso0 feel better letting how I feel out----but I know it will take time. When I drive into my driveway after work I see his truck there and Im like Clarence is here, even though I know he isnt and never will be again. To hear from his wife, which I never even knew he had, how proud he was of me and how he just talked about me and my sister and my daughters----it just made me feel like crap. I pray pray pray to GOD that he knew I loved him---I would of never seen him out in the streets or if I had money I would of gave it to him. I can say that honestly from my heart. I just hope he can hear me. I love him and I miss him. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I hope that you are feeling better and I am throwing a BIG HUG your way. :-) GOD BLESS YOU

Lynzee said:

Dear Luciana,

I am so sorry for all you are feeling and going through ..... your post made me cry....literally...it brought back so many of the feelings that I have also. My brother died over 2 years ago, yet it can all seem so fresh...the guilt, the feelings of wishing I would have said and done more.

I can feel the anquish & overwhelming sorrow in all the words you wrote... you are going thru so much right now and I hope you find some relief in just expressing what you are feeling.

I had a strange relationship with my brother, he lived at home with my aging Mom and there was some friction also because I also felt like my Mom 'babied' him. So many things you wrote remind me of my feelings.

All I can say for you is, in time, you will be able to tolerate the pain a little more although right now that probably seems unimaginable....Please don't beat yourself up wishing you would have 'been better sister'. I'm sure your brother knew you loved him. I too, never told my brother how I felt about him and now have soooo many regrets. I guess it's all just a part of the human-life experience.... we all think we're going to have forever to be with each other. It takes such a significant loss to realize how precious life is.

Give yourself PLENTY of time to grieve... to cry.... to feel all the emotions you are going thru. It would maybe be helpful to find a support group in your area to go to. Usually just being with other grievers can give some comfort. I hope you can find some peace in your heart. I know how very very difficult it can be. Be patient with yourself and support your Mom best you can. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Smallwood Cairncross on February 10, 2012 at 12:27pm

Dear Luciana, After reading your story I thought that I really needed to respond to this one because we share alot in common the first being losing our brother. I first would like to say I'm sorry for your loss & I realize just as you do that life will never be the same without our brothers but please don't feel guilty for anything that has happened. I to lost my lil brother on Christmas of 2011 so I'm still in disbelief in the whole situation. But unlike you I only had him as a sibling & now he's gone & he too was very close to our mom. Actually I have to say that I was in some ways very jealous of the special bond that they had & at times I would feel that he was closer to her heart than I was but in hindsight I look back & realize that he was more needy than myself in a way that is hard to understand but it was a special bond they held. I too fear I will lose my mom now because of her broken heart & I have no idea how to mend it. I've even told her I wish it would of been me because she probably could of dealt with it easier only to find her in tears crying "no not you!". I cry as I write because me & my brother argued alot about stupid stuff but a week or two before he pasted I made a promise with him that we would never argue again & we held to that promise. I do feel guilty that on Christmas Evev I didn't call him because I was thinking I would see him tomorrow at my son's house for Christmas & so I didn't call to wish him a Merry Christmas....that will haunt me forever cause My mom's husband & my son went to his house on Christmas day because he hadn't returned mom's calls from the night before & he never answered my calls on Christmas morning. Well he was found dead & the thought of him dying alone on Christmas haunts my heart....it can't be changed or we can't go back my friend but we can believe they are in a better place. Reading where you wrote how proud he was of you & your children is enough to be said that he loved you & knew you loved him. You helped him in different ways in his last days & that's why now I believe & make sure to tell others to not waste time on bickering with the ones you love cause we never know when they will be called home & I have to believe that he's well & happy joining up with my father & grandchild in Heaven were one day our time comes we will be reunioned & if I didn't believe in that I surely would go crazy. Please don't feel guilty for what you can't change & please don't say what if or I could of....I promise you that your brother loved you & all of his family very much & I know the pain my mother is going thru by just stopping & thinking what if I lost my only child?? So I guess as I ramble on I'd love for you to hold your memories of your brother so close to your heart & hold your family as well & remember life is too short to live it in anger, regret or guilt so please let those emotions go out of your heart & remember how much you loved him & he loved you! Hold your mother tight and give her the strength to move forward because neither one of us has lost what our mothers have lost...I don't personally know you but in my heart we have a lot in common so I'm going to be here if you need me & ewant to talk.....with heart felt sympathy I feel for you & your precious family! Barbara

Permalink Reply by Luciana Flanders on February 10, 2012 at 1:12pm

Dear Barbara---thank you soo much for what you wrote and I want to extend my condolences to you as well. You definitely know how I feel. Reading what you wrote made me cry, not in a bad way---just cause you know how I feel. I think in my head my brother might have known more than he told us and maybe my mom too---but they did have a relationship that I definitely didnt get and my sister either, noone really. My mom had 6 sons and out of all her sons, minus my brother who died in '95---My Brother Clarence was the only one to call her everyday---she took pride in that. When I saw how upset she got about feeling in the middle of my brother and me and my sister, I felt sooo bad for my mom and for my brother. I felt wrong and I did stop and I told her I was sorry for making her feel that way and again she just worried about him. I really feel like my brother came back to see my mom before he died. I dont know that he knew that he was that ill, like I said---but I believe GOD bough him here to spend his last days with my mom. If he had lived in GA, he would of died by himself---I dont say that out of any disrespect for your brother. I just dont think anyone would of done to the hospital to see my brother or anything and that though bothers me---but he was here and he died with my mom by his side. I am trying not to feel guilty---but I do feel that way. I remember a long time ago, my brother had called me when he lived in GA--I missed the call, but I never bothered to call him back cause I really didnt have to much to say to him and I had no idea what he wanted. Now that I think about it ---he probably needed help with money so he could go to the doctor---I dont know if that was the case but now that is what I am thinking--because I found out after he passed from my brother in law that there were times he didnt have any money to go to the doctor or money for gas---so I wonder if he was reaching out for help from me and I didnt call him back. I will never know and you are right---I cant change things and say what if, etc---but my heart is just low. I wish I had more time----I hurt for my mom and I asked GOD to give me her pain so she dont have to feel it. When he passed----we found his photo book---and in his book were pictures of my girls---all the pics I actually forgot I gave him---I couldnt believe it. He really did love me and my girls. I will keep his memory alive and all I can ask is that as an angel---for him to watch over our mom and make sure she is ok---cause I will do everything in my power to take care of her. I know he wanted to and I do---but I am going to try even harder. U know I probably wouldnt of called my brother on Christmas either---I didnt talk to him much---I mean we talked but not in depth and I think back, I never called him any Christmas that he was in GA. My brother was way older than me, 17 yrs to be exact. I just want to say I hope u are ok too---Im sorry for your loss---so much and I pray you get through it. I am here too--I dont know all the answers or even know what to say---but I do know my brother mattered and I wish I never acted like he didnt---I think im most angry at myself. I know I am - I will get thru it and I will be ok and you too---everyone says we have to grieve. I am sooo thankful that I found this site and thankful that I am not alone. You are not either----I know we dont know each other, but I thank you for reaching out to me and I am here for u. :-) GOD Bless you!! Luciana

Barbara Smallwood Cairncross said:

Dear Luciana, After reading your story I thought that I really needed to respond to this one because we share alot in common the first being losing our brother. I first would like to say I'm sorry for your loss & I realize just as you do that life will never be the same without our brothers but please don't feel guilty for anything that has happened. I to lost my lil brother on Christmas of 2011 so I'm still in disbelief in the whole situation. But unlike you I only had him as a sibling & now he's gone & he too was very close to our mom. Actually I have to say that I was in some ways very jealous of the special bond that they had & at times I would feel that he was closer to her heart than I was but in hindsight I look back & realize that he was more needy than myself in a way that is hard to understand but it was a special bond they held. I too fear I will lose my mom now because of her broken heart & I have no idea how to mend it. I've even told her I wish it would of been me because she probably could of dealt with it easier only to find her in tears crying "no not you!". I cry as I write because me & my brother argued alot about stupid stuff but a week or two before he pasted I made a promise with him that we would never argue again & we held to that promise. I do feel guilty that on Christmas Evev I didn't call him because I was thinking I would see him tomorrow at my son's house for Christmas & so I didn't call to wish him a Merry Christmas....that will haunt me forever cause My mom's husband & my son went to his house on Christmas day because he hadn't returned mom's calls from the night before & he never answered my calls on Christmas morning. Well he was found dead & the thought of him dying alone on Christmas haunts my heart....it can't be changed or we can't go back my friend but we can believe they are in a better place. Reading where you wrote how proud he was of you & your children is enough to be said that he loved you & knew you loved him. You helped him in different ways in his last days & that's why now I believe & make sure to tell others to not waste time on bickering with the ones you love cause we never know when they will be called home & I have to believe that he's well & happy joining up with my father & grandchild in Heaven were one day our time comes we will be reunioned & if I didn't believe in that I surely would go crazy. Please don't feel guilty for what you can't change & please don't say what if or I could of....I promise you that your brother loved you & all of his family very much & I know the pain my mother is going thru by just stopping & thinking what if I lost my only child?? So I guess as I ramble on I'd love for you to hold your memories of your brother so close to your heart & hold your family as well & remember life is too short to live it in anger, regret or guilt so please let those emotions go out of your heart & remember how much you loved him & he loved you! Hold your mother tight and give her the strength to move forward because neither one of us has lost what our mothers have lost...I don't personally know you but in my heart we have a lot in common so I'm going to be here if you need me & ewant to talk.....with heart felt sympathy I feel for you & your precious family! Barbara

Permalink Reply by Barbara Smallwood Cairncross on February 10, 2012 at 1:35pm

Please remember I'm here my precious friend & I'll keep checking back to this site to touch bases with you...I'm fairly new to this site so I have a bit of not knowing how it works but I'll figure it out....I'll hold you & your family in my prayers & believe it my friend....we do have our own precious angels looking over us. I turned to this site for comfort & sharing my grief because not only did I lose my brother on Christmas but my husband lost his on New Year's Day so it's been lots of heartaches here...I will check back but now I'm writting thru my tears so remember that God loves us & we need to have that faith in him & ourselves. I will hold your mom's precious heart in my prayers as well my friend & thank you for sharing your family with me...that says alot about you as a precious loving woman that your brother was Blessed with having in his life & I agree with you...he came home to say goodbye....my hearts hurts for both our loss!

Permalink Reply by Luciana Flanders on February 10, 2012 at 2:00pm

Thanks Barbara---same here---I am not sure how it works either. Im very new and still a bit confused on how it works. I truly believe he was sent to be with mom in his last days---GOD works in mysterious ways and I know he did it--cause my brother hadnt been back home in years and he told my mom he was coming back to stay for good and he did. I will hold your mom's precious heart as well--I feel for her and let her know there is another mom out here who feels her pain and knows what she is going thru. Thank you for being so nice and your brother knew the same---its funny how life throws you those curve balls they talk about. GOD has his reasons---we may not understand why, but he sooo has his reasons. Who knows---maybe our brothers will get to meet in heaven--I would love that. GOD Bless both of them and thank you Barbara---you really bought some good tears that I needed and a big ole smile to my face today, Good tears in that I have been holding the tears in alot lately--you know due to work and stuff----but today I let it out, thought of my brother and thought about your family. Thank You Barbara--thank you so much--GOD BLESS!!!

Permalink Reply by K1m on March 12, 2012 at 12:20am

I feel exactly how you feel. I lost my last brother 3 weeks ago he was 49.my oldest brother 4 years ago He was 47, my Dad died 5 months after my oldest brother, and my middle brother 7 years ago, he was 42. The last 7 years of my life have a been nightmare.

Permalink Reply by judy on March 12, 2012 at 4:18pm

The key to your guilt, or should I say the reason for your guilt, you have hit right on the head....YOU DIDNT KNOW! You didn't know how sick he really was. You didn't know your time was so short with him. And, siblings...no matter what age...get irritated with each other. Its normal. And, its ok. He bragged about you, so he knew you loved him. He wouldn't brag about someone whom he didn't think cared about him. And,in that same aspect...he proved his love for you. I don't think that he'd brag about someone he DIDNT love. Do you? Families tend to have a sort of standing "I love you". Without saying it all the time, we just know the love is there. And, unless the last thing we happened to say to our sibling was "I love you", we will have that same regret. But, how often does that really happen. Why? Because, in most cases...WE DIDNT KNOW it would be the last time. And, I don't believe that it is our place to know. Thats the beauty, AND the scary part of life. Hes with God now. And, whatever he had to go through to get there was, Im sure, worth the uncomprehendible (sp?) joy that he has now. He loved you. You loved him. You are brother and sister. He knew it. And, YOU KNOW IT!!!

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