Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more

Coping with Sudden Death

By Therese Rando, Ph.D.

In both sudden death and anticipated death, there is pain. However, while the grief is not greater in sudden death, the capacity to cope is diminished. Grievers are shocked and stunned by the sudden loss of their loved one. The loss is so disruptive that recovery almost always is complicated. This because the adaptive capacities are so severely assaulted and the ability to cope is so critically injured that functioning is seriously impaired. Grievers are overwhelmed.

If you are such a griever, you probably are suffering extreme feelings of bewilderment, anxiety, self-reproach, and depression, and you may be unable to continue normal life. You had no preparation and no time to gradually absorb the reality that the world was about to change dramatically.

Instead, there was a sudden destruction of the world you used to know. There was no gradual transition, nor time to make changes in yourself, your expectations about your life, or your world. In sudden death you are called upon to face a massive gap between the way the world should be, with your loved one alive, and the way the world is. The person whom you loved, and who provided you with security, is taken away without any warning. This is a major violation of your expectations. Your sense of the world and of control is assaulted. This is not to say that these issues are not confronted by those whose loved one’s death was anticipated. The difference is that they have had a valuable period of anticipation that placed the death in the context of events that were predictable and made sense. Although they experienced pain when their loved one died, they could see what caused the death. Ideally, they had been preparing for the death and dealing with their feelings about it. They were able to finish unfinished business with their loved one, to say “I love you,” and to do the things they wanted to do for the person before he died. While there certainly are many problems and emotional demands associated with losing a loved one in an anticipated death, at least when the death comes, the grievers’ coping capacities have been directed toward dealing with that expectable end. The loss makes sense.

After a sudden death, the loss doesn’t make sense. The critically important understanding of what happened is missing. The sudden shock of losing someone we love without warning so stuns us that we cannot comprehend what has transpired. Consequently, if your loved one died suddenly, you may be unable to grasp the situation and find it difficult to understand the implications of the loss. Accepting that the death occurred can be difficult, even if you intellectually recognize that it happened. The death may continue to seem inexplicable for a long period of time. You repeatedly will have to go over the story of the accident or of the heart attack to try to make sense of the loss after the fact.

Because you were not prepared for the death and it had no understandable context, you will try to deal with your lack of anticipation by putting the loss into a series of events. You may find yourself looking back at the time leading up to the death and searching for clues that could have indicated what was to come. For example, one woman looked back on the days preceding her husband’s sudden fatal heart attack and “perceived” warnings she had missed initially. This tendency to reconstruct events in your mind in order to allow for some anticipation of the death is quite common. It is an attempt to restructure what happened so that it seems you had some inkling that the death was going to occur: “He really didn’t look that good in the last few weeks as I look back on at now’ or “You know, he was visiting his sisters whom he had not seen in a long time. Maybe he knew that something would happen.” This retrospective construction of events makes the situation more manageable. It gives a perception of logical progression, of control and predictability, and retrospectively provides you with some anticipation and preparation.

However, problems arise when you hold yourself responsible for not perceiving cues that were actually either imperceptible or nonexistent prior to the death. Frequently grievers react emotionally and respond to what they perceive as unmet responsibility. One woman felt inordinate guilt for many years for not recognizing that her mother had been having some difficulty climbing the stairs. After her mother died suddenly from a burst aneurysm, the daughter felt that she should have recognized the mother’s impairment and known that it meant that something was wrong with her. However, unless this woman had been a physician and had run tests on her mother, there really was no way she could have known.

For survivors whose loved ones die suddenly, grief symptoms tend to persist longer. The physical and emotional shock that is a normal part of acute grief appears to be more intense and long-lasting. This may further demoralize you as you are trying to understand what happened to you and to cope with a drastically altered world, in addition to dealing with your feelings of loss and grief. You have the same grief tasks as all mourners, but you must cope with extra stresses that leave you relatively more depleted and disadvantaged.

If you have lost a loved one from sudden death, you know that you had no chance to say good-bye and no opportunity to finish unfinished business with your loved one. Most probably these are major issues for you. The lack of time to bring this important relationship to a positive close causes much anguish to those of us whose loved ones die without warning. We wish that we could have known in order to say and do what we wanted to; we wish we could have just one more brief moment with our loved one to tell him we loved him, apologize for ways we might have hurt him, explain why we treated him the way we did, or let him know what he meant to us.

You may feel a profound loss of security and confidence in the world. After all, you have been taught a dramatic lesson: Loved ones can be snatched away without warning. You may always await another loss to befall. Research has shown that widows whose husbands died suddenly are slower to move toward remarriage, since they are unwilling to risk future unanticipated loss again for themselves and their children. Avoidance and anxiety eventually can lead to states of anxious withdrawal since the world has become such a frightening, unpredictable place.

In some ways. the consequences of losing a loved one to sudden death can last a lifetime. While for some mourners this can be evidenced in chronic grief or persistent anxiety in which security and confidence never totally return, for others the consequences ate less dramatic, though no less powerful. The best example I can give of this is a personal one. All of the deaths in my husband’s life have been anticipated deaths. When I am a little late returning from work my husband automatically assumes that I have been held up on the telephone or have run overtime with my patients. Unless I am dramatically late, he is not unduly disturbed and assumes I will be home soon. In contrast, I have a much different response when he is later than expected. This is because all of the important deaths in my life have been sudden, unexpected ones. As a consequence when he is later than usual I automatically assume that something terrible has happened. I experience a considerable amount of apprehension. What makes me different from someone who has not worked so hard on these issues is that I will not immediately jump to call the hospitals or the police. I will remind myself that statistically the chances are that he all right and that there are reasons for his delay. Nevertheless, I am concerned.

Does this mean that I love my husband more than he loves me because I am more concerned when he is late? I think not. What it reveals is the scars of sudden death. I have been taught all too well that the people I love can be snatched from me without warning, and that death doesn’t always happen to someone else.

This awareness that you can lose someone without warning does not have to be negative. It can prompt you to deal with your loved ones on a timely basis. It can help you not to put off until tomorrow those things you should say and do today. It may assist you in making sure you don’t have too much unfinished business with the people you lose. If your loved one died from a sudden death, you know that tomorrow is promised to no one. This awareness also can help you keep in mind what is important in life, so you don’t get lost in trivial matters and lose sight of those things that are most important to you. It is an ironic but positive consequence of sudden death that it can make you appreciate life more than you ever would have if you had not undergone such a traumatic experience. This does not mean that you would seek out such a loss in order to teach yourself such a lesson, but it does let you know that you can pull something meaningful out of such a tragedy.

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93.

Dr. Therese Rando, author of How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, is a psychologist in Warwick, Rhode Island, where she is the Clinical Director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss. Having published 70 works pertaining to the clinical aspects of dying, death, loss, and trauma, Dr. Rando is a recognized expert in the field and has appeared on numerous television programs, including “Dateline,” CBS “This Morning,” “Today Show,” “Good Morning, America,” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

Image: Tim Teebken/Getty Images

Recommend

0 members like this

‹ Previous
1
2
3
Next ›

Comment

You need to be a member of Grief Support at LegacyConnect to add comments!

Join Grief Support at LegacyConnect

Comment by James Harold Bath on January 31, 2013 at 11:41am: My wife suffered a series of health problems over the last 20 years of our 30 year marriage. She had brain surgery to clamp a bleeding vein, and later a small stroke, and heart problems. Her personality changed over the course of these illnesses, making her docile, forgetful, and dependent on me to make all the important decisions. She became childlike. I hid as much of her mental decline from her as I could and treated her like an intelligent, cherished and equal partner. Then about ten years ago she had a near-fatal reaction to the statin drug Lipitor. This cholesterol-lowering drug caused severe neurological damage throughout her body. It ate away and dissolved massive amounts of muscle tissue which crippled and severely handicapped her physically. It also damaged her brain cells and made her even more mentally dependent on me. She could walk a few steps, slowly, if she held onto me or a chair or something. My care-giving duties toward her increased steadily over the years as she lost mental and physical strength. And in exact proportion, so did my love and compassion for this precious woman, my wife Christel. Her loss of independence was hard on her self-image. I had to constantly remind her that her value to me was exactly equal to my value to her, that we both were equal in necessity, worth, intelligence and everything else though we each brought different talents and abilities to our one loving relationship, our one marriage, as one soul using our two bodies. She sometimes expressed regret that I had to do so much for her and she felt she wasn't giving enough in return. I tried and sometimes succeeded in getting her to understand that I never felt I was doing more than she, only different than she. I told her that her willingness to receive a gift or service from me was the only way that I could have the privilege of giving any gift or service to anybody. A giver "needs" a receiver in order to grow inwardly and spiritually through that giving. And she was giving me this chance to grow by allowing me to give to her. A receiver is always of equal value to the giver because the giving cannot take place without both parties sharing equally in the exchange. I gave her many hugs and I love you's and she gave them back to me over the years. Finally, after 30 years of togetherness and 20 years of bathing her, helping her toilets, pushing her in wheelchairs, changing TV channels for her, changing the bed, washing the laundry, doing the daily cooking while always involving her by asking for her guidance as chef (she loved cooking) and after helping her outside to water her plants and watch the birds, showering her with love and seeking her advice on many issues, doing everything I could to bring a smile to her beautiful old face, after 20 years of increasingly intense caregiving that became a total focus for me, her heart beat its last beat in bed early in the morning of January 28, 2013. She passed away sometime in the 30 minute span between the last two times I checked on her to see that she was sleeping peacefully. The grief I feel right now is indescribable. I had never imagined that my heart could break the way it is breaking now. I wish to God I knew how to get to her now to protect her. I hope that the strength and wisdom of her pure soul has emerged at last from her crippled body and is far more powerful than I.

Comment by steve moon on January 2, 2013 at 5:13pm: Families are forever. Families are the building blocks of heaven. What most religions of today do not understand is that in biblical temples for example "the Temple of Solomon" families were sealed for all eternity by those who were called to perform these priesthood ordinances. God, being a just God, has provided a way for all of his children to be sealed for time and all eternity into their eternal families. For individuals to be sealed into these eternal families they have to accept the gospel of Christ and live their lives in such a way as to qualify for this eternal blessing. These priesthood ordinances are being performed on earth today for both the living and the dead. They are part of the restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To understand how families are sealed and what it means to be worthy of these blessings please contact a missionary (ages 18-21) of the Mormon Church "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints" or visit this web page "www.mormon.org" where you can chat with a missionary and view other materials. It will change your life as it did mine.

Steve

Comment by Raquel Santiago on December 30, 2012 at 1:53pm: Hi Mandy,

And your life is also precious. Very precious. Girl, there are more fish in the sea so to speak. While you never want to forget Michael, you will move on in time. Now it hurts, but each day it will get a little easier if you allow it to. However, if you continue to "pine away", the healing will take longer. I KNOW...My posting on here way before yours knows your grief, i feel your pain everyday and so do my clients. But each one also has adapted to this new life, dont let it close doors to you but allow this to open new doors to your life. There is nothing we cannot overcome, these trials and tribulations put before us are there for a reason and each one makes us stronger. I have lost many to suicide, who throught that they could not get through. I have attempted myself many times in the past 16 to be exact and 8 of them on life support where i woke up and the doctors said "welcome back" and I responded, "those damn paramedics never give up". I was lucky, i lived, yes i still continue to go through trials and tribulations every day, my health is not as perfect as I would like it to be. I wish had my friends back who took their lives and I wish i had my partner back who was killed by a drunk driver in San Jose, but i cannot. I cannot change time, nor would i want to. Those challenges and tribulations are what made me the person i am today. Strong, confident and a person who helps others get past what they are going through to better their lives. Some it takes longer than others. But each instance makes us what we are today. Myself being buddhist but born to a catholic family i hear you. And i dare not comment on beliefs as each belief is a person's own, we learn that in counseling 101 lol. Michael will always be with you, somehow someway, guiding you when you least expect it and you will wonder, how did i get through that or how did that happen. Remember here can be no darkness without the light and vice versa. One cannot exist without the other the same as feelings and emotions, saddness and happiness cannot be one without the other. We are all scared when death takes someone and many times we blame ourselves for missing the signs, lord knows i did, but we cannot blame ourselves for the choices of someone we love. Your emotions will run rampant right now, you will cry, you will laugh hysterically, you will smile and each day that light will grow a little brigher, right now yes its hard. There are many steps you will go through beyond the 7 steps listed in grief, those are not an exact guide and they can rinse and repeat at any point in your life. The future is what you make it my dear......These challenges are what make us who we are, and this happened for a reason, figuring out why will baffle you for years and isnt worth it. Allow your life to unfold as it will now and follow that path. I see many paths for your future but do you...yes i think you do if you allow yourself to be open to them. Grieve...crying is powerful and will allow you to let it out and when you think you have cried too much, cry a little bit more. its healthy. Then do something you wouldnt normally do, go out and stand in the sun, bathe in the light, the warmth, feel it surround you and that my dear is Michael with you, guiding your life in ways you never imagined. For each person will be different.

Hugs

Comment by Raquel Santiago on December 30, 2012 at 12:43pm: Mandy

Many of us here know and feel your pain, have been there at one point in our lives or are there now. Suicide is one of the more difficult deaths to handle with a lot of unanswered questions (somtimes). Dont blame yourself - dont linger on the past but on the future, your future. You cannot change the past only adapt to the future and grow. Surround yourself with loves ones, those who love and care for you. It will take time but you will move on with your life. I am limited in what i can put in a posting. I dont know your religion but the powers that be do not give us any obstacle we cannot overcome. Everything happens for a reason and yes even this. All that said, do not do this alone. Talk to someone whether its a grief counselor or a therapist or even a friend.

Hugs

Raquel

Comment by Doraine on December 17, 2012 at 6:26pm: My son was killed while walking home the day after Thanksgiving. My husband and myself were on our way to St. Louis to spend the day after thanksgiving with him when we received the phone call for the St. Louis Medical examiner. asking me to pull the car over so he could speak to both of us. when I stopped the car he told me that my son was dead. I still am finding it very hard to believe. To me it feels like a very bad dream that I can not wake up from. my heart hurts so bad

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on November 20, 2012 at 12:41pm: Raquel

Thank you for your post and your insight is beautiful and much needed. The person I lost this year was truly amazing! He spent his life for others. He was an Anthropology professor, helped the poor and reached out to those with special needs. I have realized that that I am angry and I had to repent to God for being angry with him, and even “forgiving God” for taking Barry. I believe you will make a wonderful counselor and advocate for the grief stricken. Grief is hard to work through and I’ve needed a lot of support. It’s so ironic that I always had Barry as one my one support, but I am also reaching out to help me heal too. I even feel survival guildt at times for wanting some healing--part of me wants to always grieve for him because somehow It is proof of my love for him and in parts keeping him with me. I now leave it in God’s hands my life and Barry’s.
Blessings,

Comment by Raquel Santiago on November 20, 2012 at 10:59am: This was hard to read and remember but its so true. Which is why i am now dedicating my life to help people recover from grief. When my partner died i was sooo angry at the world, to take him from me. The one brightness in my life. No one could talk to me, tell me anything, I was a walking time bomb. Then my best friend hung herself and even though you think it cant get worse, I went downhill from there. Emotions are heightened during deaths of loved ones especially and the more there are there harder it is to recover, but it is possible. It will take time and clinicians who work with these clients need to understand the emotions that they are going through and how to help them cope and survive..

Comment by LjadeC on October 17, 2012 at 5:03am: Dear Therese Rando,

Thank you for this great article...

It has been about 6 weeks ago since I lost my Precious, Beautiful, mother in a sudden and tragic death.

She was a hermit and liked to live alone and we had not heard from her in about 3 days and it was not unusual for her to not return our calls for that time. My brother (who was closest to her) went over to check on her and found her dead-bleeding from her head, in her hallway where she had fallen.

When the paramedics arrived they said she had probably been dead for about 12 hours. Dennis had been calling her for three days and that means she was lying there, helpless and either conscious and suffering for days, or unconscious.

She was all one, with no one to help her or save her!

I am STILL in a state of shock and disbelief.

I blame myself in many ways that I could/should have helped her as she was very, very frail and needed help. I have been so depressed that it is almost impossible for me to cry and I WANT to, but the tears don’t come. There were times, after she died, that I did cry but no breaking down and sobbing like I would like to. I am VERY, VERY sick-I know.

I was in a severely depressed state before she died but I am EXTREMELY DEPRESSED now. (I scored 44 on the BECK BDI II last night.)

I am in NO CA and have no medical coverage, I haven’t worked since end of 2009 and I have only enough money to survive for only about three months.

I am in SUCH a state of hopelessness and despair that I HATE the idea of facing another day. Each night I PRAY to die in my sleep

I don’t WANT to kill myself, but I see no way out.

I can’t STAND this miserable existence anymore and I want out. I don’t live anymore-I merely exist-and barely do that.

Last night I went online to a depression website where they asked you to write and promised to write back, but no one did! I can’t find the site because my computer crashed and I can’t remember the site name!

I have been surfing online to find painless, fast ways to off myself and online places that can help people who are suffering like me.

I don’t know what to do and I am reaching out…

HELP, PLEASE…

Thank you

Comment by connie on October 6, 2012 at 9:30pm: I lost my husband July 2009, my best friend Mikee help me get thru the terrible time and then Sept 2012 he was taken from suddenly, the pain is bad sometimes I don't think I'll make it we had crossed from best friends to being in love and looking forward to a life together. I know life goes on and he wouldn't want me to be soooo sad but it's so hard without him here to talk to, he's in my head and heart. He was the most caring wonderful person in the world and now my world is gone. I din't get that final moment to say good-bye to him as he died in another state and was an organ donor his soon to be ex-wife didn't let me know until it was over with.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 31, 2012 at 8:53pm: Dear Jackie, Oh honey! I come to you with the humblest of heart and want to tell you how much it hurts to read your words. I am so sorry you lost your beautiful precious daugther. Words can NEVER say what begins to even understand such a loss. LIfe is very different! and I am seeing a grief counselor myself, and she has told me that to want to NOT go on is a very normal way to feel. I know it’s supposed to get better, but the way i feel about loss, is HOW CAN SUCH A LOSS ever get better--or maybe even easier. And do we really want the time to pass? I feel I want this moment to stay right here because it’s been 4 months since I saw my beloved, last. And as time goes on I fear I’l “forget” his voice, or his laugh in the way I do now. I cling to my faith in God with my last hope and by a golden thread to tied to my heart. It even makes me wonder “what is the point of this life, and love if it is always to end in loss”. But I still come back to faith in God that he has a greater view that I cannot see and I will not stop loving my beloved, NOR WILL he or she who has left us.

I hope I can be of some support because I find I need it in different ways every day. Today I was really deeply sad and even angry at Barry for leaving me. I feel so jipped! so upset! SO helpsless and so hopeless and aimless...

I try to even live moments as if he is still here, because in ways he is with me. I put his pictures up, his keepsakes so I can touch them and I even do things he or we did to help me feel close.

I am do deeply sorry. Your broken heart is in a million tiny pieces and only time can tell you how you will find hope or meaning with out here here in the natural world

I know she is forever your beautiful angel.

blessings, vee (Colorado, age 49)

Comment by Jackie Potgieter on August 31, 2012 at 3:27pm: I lost my daughter on the 19th of March 2012 and I am finding it very hard to carry on in a normal lifestyle. She was only 27 years old and I miss her so much. Life is different and many relationships with family have changed. It's so hard but I try each day. .

Comment by Keziah Mwaura on August 7, 2012 at 5:11pm: Am Keziah and lives in Kenya. I lost my husband on 12th march 2012 suddenly as a result of a brutal murder;on the eve to my birthday. I will never miss to celebrate my birthday.we had been married for eleven years and had two sons, 10yrs and 5 yrs old. it has been very hurting for me with so many unanswered questions. we had a lot of things to do together and we did together. Now, life have turned out to be very boring. sometimes I just hold on to the pictures we took together since our college days and cant imagine my partner and friend is gone, just like that. I miss the so many stories we shared and his jokes. He was the best daddy for our sons. Life is no longer sweet and each day I live in fear of not losing some one who I love so much. I have always held on to our memories. there are times I feel like giving up but the thoughts of our sons and the so many promises we made to each other keeps me going. Mash, I miss you so much. I am also grateful for this discussions because now I know there are others who have gone through the same path I am n have made so will I.

Comment by 95688 on August 6, 2012 at 1:42pm: There are two groups that I have frequented in the past. One is local and the other is abount an hour away but it is so worth it. I recently completed a 4 week short term grief group with my husband (we married a month ago) and in the past had taken my mom and my mother in law. It helped me because it gave them a perspective from many others and gave them some sense of what I was going through. The groups I go to are specific to neonatal loss. You may be able to find some good bereavment or hospice groups. Don't be turned off by the sound of hospice. It doesn't necessarily mean old or nursing home and they can give you some valuable resources.

In our support group we have a saying. "The club that no one wants to be in." Of course that is because we have lost our babies, and no one wants their babies to die. But it goes for everyone that is grieving. We never want to endure the loss of a loved one. Whether they're our parent, spouse, lover, friend, etc. The losses are all different but we have that one little thing in common. That we lost someone close to us. Even if they aren't that close, the thought that you didn't get to know them or participate in their lives more than you did can make the hurt worse. I can definitely go on but will leave you with this.

The following is a poem we read in our group. I sent it to some close family members, friends, and coworkers.

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving
The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day,
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask, “WHY?”
At times, my grief overwhelms me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life
I must embrace my pain before I can learn to heal
Companion me through the hard times and sit with me in silence
Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be
Listen patiently to my story
I may need to tell it over and over again
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss
Nurture me through the months and years ahead
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable
A small flame still burns within my heart
And shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears
There is not right or wrong way to grieve
I need your support and understanding
I must find my own path
Please, will you walk beside me?

This is exactly how I feel a lot of the time and it helps to know we're not alone in our grief no matter how different the situation. God Bless and hope your day is a little better than yesterday.

Pamela Barker

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 6, 2012 at 12:48pm: Hi Dear, I want to find a support group too, did you find a local group? I am getting online support which is amazing! I want to change my middle name to my boyfriend/companion/love’s last name, to have a way to always have him with me.

I hope your day is better today. I have Barry’s picture framed in my room. I love him more each day. LOVE does not every go away. The Bible says this too.

I find that when we lose someone, after the funeral, everyone expects us to just “move on”. To me that is not possible, we have no choice but to be carried with the flow of time, but in a sense, time has stood still.

I hope you take time to pamper and honor yourself today. THANK YOU for your response.

Gentle hugs

Blessings, Vee

Comment by 95688 on August 6, 2012 at 12:15pm: I posted back on Mar 10, 2012 and regarding this post things have not really changed. I still feel the same way. There may be a handful of people that are more accomodating to me and my grief but many of them are from my support group and have actually experienced the same type of loss. The ones that haven't been through it but are still sympathetic is one of the greatest things I could ask for now. As it's not easy going through this and feeling alone.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 4, 2012 at 9:14pm: I bow in reverence before the emotions of every melted heart. We have a human right to our sorrow. To blame the deep grief which bereavement awakens is to censure all strong human attachments. The more intense the delight in their presence

, the more poignant the impression of their absence; and you cannot destroy the anguish unless you forbid the joy. A morality which rebukes sorrow rebukes love. When the tears of bereavement have had their natural flow, they lead us again to life and love's generous joy.” --James Martineau

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on August 4, 2012 at 12:53pm: Dear Beloved Mother of your beautiful son, I am so sorry! I am hurting as I type these words. ALl seems so meaningless when we’ve lost the largest part of our heart. I am so so so sorry!

I have not losted a child, although I am a mother and know the depth of our love is so deep we dont even know how much we love them. Only God knows. I did just lose my beloved boyfriend/companion/best friend of 11 years, he died in April. It seems as fresh as ever. I have to come to grief support to “COPE”? (Whatever that means).

I am a Christian and my great hope is that we do see our loved ones again, we’ve got to hold that to our bosom. Think of it this way: IS THIS NOT YOUR GREAT HOPE NOW? IS IT NOT POSSIBLE? YES! IT IS. I do know that the loss now does not end because you have this great hope, but later it will. In my family we lost my niece who was murdered 3 years ago and now we try to see her smile and not let death rob us of her life, of her spirit, of her heart, and her great smile.

NOW, the BIble says “Is a time to mourn” and you son certainly rates you mourning. I know a dear freind who lost her 18 year old son and it took her2 years to “begin to feel a new normal” so dear, get all the support you can. Write to us on here it helps!

I am Veronica, age 49 (50 in Oct). I have 6 children.
I was raised by a grieving mother myself as my 3 year old brother died when I was 2, and mom was never the same. LOSING a CHILD Is like no other pain on this earth. And people try to comfort you with word like “Well time will heal” etc. WELL HONEY, time has no power to heal, only GOD can heal and this takes a lifetime til we see them again.

I hope you are working on his legacy in the meantime> With Barry I am having a memorial bench put by a lake on a walking path to honor his memory. I also am working on other things...you can also find something he loved and somehow incorporate that...

I pray right now for your family with every word I say, may the Lord hold you and comfort you in little rays of sunshine in the midst of this storm.

Blessings, Vee, Colorado,

Comment by Christine Wilson on August 4, 2012 at 8:00am: My name is Christine. I am struggling with the loss my 16 year old son. On July 8, 2012 he was in a motorcycle accident where he was the only person involved. I am struggling with the pain, the loss, the reason why he died and everything else. I am stuggling with why there isn't someone for me to blame, someone for me to hate...someone for me to take my frustrations out on.

I had seen my son that morning before he left for work. We did the normal "love you, hope you have a good day, be careful" morning routine and I spoke to him at 4:10 that afternoon. We were going to meet up about 4:30. Being a teenager, he left something at home that he needed to go to dinner with his friends. I waited on him for about 10 minutes, then left his stuff at his work for him to pick up as I had a few more errands to run. At 4:44 that evening I sent him a text telling him where I had left his stuff and telling him I was sorry I couldn't wait. I knew that when he got there to meet me and saw that I wasn't there, he would check his text and see where his stuff was. I got the call about 4:55 from his dad that he had been in an accident and that it was bad.

My son died at 6:10 that evening. We were able to be in the hospital room with him while all these amazing doctors had worked on him for what seemed like forever. We were there with him when he passed away.

People keep telling me that it will get better with time. I can't see that. Each day is a new struggle, a new pain and a new question... I just can't understand why my beautiful 16 year old son is gone... I am not suicidal by any means, but I just can't seem to figure out how to cope. I am completely devastated by this.

Comment by Rebecca Costello on July 10, 2012 at 10:13am: My sister died of a cardiac arrest on 4th April 2012, she had just turned 20. One of the main issues is not saying goodbye and the constant thought of 'was she in pain' mainly I miss her and feel guilty I couldn't save her.

Comment by Helen Coleman on July 9, 2012 at 10:55pm: I lost my boyfriend on thursday..actually, he had passed on Sunday night, but I found him on thursday. He was my best friend and my son's stepfather. Unfortunatly we did not live together at this time because we were working things out. I blame myself for not checking up on him earlier than thursday. I cant get the image of his dead body and his hands, or how cold he was, or how death smelled. I kept thinking that his death smelled sweet and I hope my death smells as sweet as his. People keep telling me that this is God's plan, and all I think is that this plan sucks. I love this man and now everything makes me think of him. I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up, and if it wasnt for my son I would be sleeping right now. The only picture he had in his home was of me and him. I am scared to live in this cold world without him. I sleep with the shirt he wore last, and even though it smells like death, I cant stop smelling it. I close my eyes and see his hands, black and cold. I am losing my faith in God. I am losing faith in myself I feel lost and dead inside. I dont want to leave the house and see the sun yet. I just wish it would rain for 33 yrs, and the world would end right now so I could be with him again. Funeral is on wednesday and I feel like time has stood still from the moment I walked in his home on thurs. I am in so much pain, physical pain from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, and breathing has never hurt so bad...I dont know what this is, I dont know where I am, I dont know if I am still alive. My heart and soul died when he exhaled his last breath...