What to Say When Someone Dies Unexpectedly
By Florence Isaacs
Q. A neighbor of mine in her late forties drowned in a freak
boating accident when her canoe overturned. I want to go to the
funeral, but what can I possibly say to her husband and her
children, who range in age from 8 to 14?
A. Accounts of sudden accidents grab our attention in the newspapers or on TV virtually every day. Someone survives cancer, only to be killed by a car careening out of control while crossing the street. Or a construction worker falls from a 20-story building when a safety strap breaks. Although any death is disturbing, an unexpected death tests our own sense of safety in the world. A random, senseless accident underscores how vulnerable we all are, especially if the victim is someone we know.
It’s not surprising that you feel tongue-tied at the prospect of talking to your neighbor’s family. In this situation, words do seem inadequate. There is always the fear of saying something “wrong,” something that might offend, make you look foolish or seem insensitive. Yet I’ve found the most appreciated words are usually those that first come to mind when you hear the terrible news, such as, “This is such a tragedy. I can’t believe it. I’m so sorry.” Speaking your unvarnished feelings validates the enormity of what has happened and makes a connection with those left behind.
Another option is, “I don’t know what to say.” We all think it, and it is a powerful statement—one that confirms the catastrophic circumstances involved. Or you might try, “I can’t imagine what you are going through.” The fact is you can’t know the depth of someone else’s pain, grief or sense of loss. The sudden death of a loved one is so hard to bear because it’s such a shock to the mourners. There is no time to prepare, to deal with unfinished business or to say goodbye.
Remember that nonverbal gestures count, too. A touch on shoulder or the arm—or a hug if you’re close to the person—says, “I’m here for you.” Just your presence at a funeral or memorial service makes an eloquent statement. “I felt loved and comforted when so many people attended my husband’s funeral,” one widow told me. “Showing up was a tribute to him, of course. But the support also filled my heart. It wrapped me in a cocoon of caring.”
Do you have a question you’d like Florence to answer?
E-mail her at fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com.
Related articles:
• Sudden Death
• Writing a Condolence Note
• 7 Ways to Listen Better
• What to Say to a Grieving Spouse
• Supporting the Bereaved after a Suicide
Also by Florence Isaacs:
• Youth Suicide: What You Can Say and Do to Help the Survivors
• What to Say When Someone's Ex Dies
• What to Say: Rocky Relationships
• Sending Flowers
• Memorial Contributions
Florence
Isaacs is the author of
My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes
and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies![](http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=legacycom-20&l=ur2&o=1width="1")
.
Image credit: John Rowley/Getty Images
A. Accounts of sudden accidents grab our attention in the newspapers or on TV virtually every day. Someone survives cancer, only to be killed by a car careening out of control while crossing the street. Or a construction worker falls from a 20-story building when a safety strap breaks. Although any death is disturbing, an unexpected death tests our own sense of safety in the world. A random, senseless accident underscores how vulnerable we all are, especially if the victim is someone we know.
It’s not surprising that you feel tongue-tied at the prospect of talking to your neighbor’s family. In this situation, words do seem inadequate. There is always the fear of saying something “wrong,” something that might offend, make you look foolish or seem insensitive. Yet I’ve found the most appreciated words are usually those that first come to mind when you hear the terrible news, such as, “This is such a tragedy. I can’t believe it. I’m so sorry.” Speaking your unvarnished feelings validates the enormity of what has happened and makes a connection with those left behind.
Another option is, “I don’t know what to say.” We all think it, and it is a powerful statement—one that confirms the catastrophic circumstances involved. Or you might try, “I can’t imagine what you are going through.” The fact is you can’t know the depth of someone else’s pain, grief or sense of loss. The sudden death of a loved one is so hard to bear because it’s such a shock to the mourners. There is no time to prepare, to deal with unfinished business or to say goodbye.
Remember that nonverbal gestures count, too. A touch on shoulder or the arm—or a hug if you’re close to the person—says, “I’m here for you.” Just your presence at a funeral or memorial service makes an eloquent statement. “I felt loved and comforted when so many people attended my husband’s funeral,” one widow told me. “Showing up was a tribute to him, of course. But the support also filled my heart. It wrapped me in a cocoon of caring.”
Related articles:
• Sudden Death
• Writing a Condolence Note
• 7 Ways to Listen Better
• What to Say to a Grieving Spouse
• Supporting the Bereaved after a Suicide
Also by Florence Isaacs:
• Youth Suicide: What You Can Say and Do to Help the Survivors
• What to Say When Someone's Ex Dies
• What to Say: Rocky Relationships
• Sending Flowers
• Memorial Contributions
Florence
Isaacs is the author of
My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes
and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies.Image credit: John Rowley/Getty Images
Tagged: condolence notes, condolences, florence isaacs, funerals, memorial services, my deepest sympathies, sudden death, what to say
6 Comments
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Comment by Karen on May 12, 2008 at 3:26pm -
I think this article is useful for anticipated deaths as well. Even
when you know a loved one is nearing the end of his or her life, it
is still a shock to the system when it actually happens, even
though it is not nearly as shocking as an unexpected death. It can
be hard to know what to say to the greiving family in either case.
I believe that sometimes we feel pressure to say something that
will make our grieving friends feel better, but in reality, nothing
we can say will make everything better. I think the best we can do
is show our support and love, and continue that support and love
long after the funeral.
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Comment by Bonnie Labelle on September 18, 2008 at 6:04pm -
You are so right I am at that stage now ,people get on with it and
I sit alone talking to myself and my dogs and cats and reading on
this computer. Late at night and early morning is the worst cause
that is the time we always set aside for each other Mystery dust
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Comment by Bonnie Labelle on September 18, 2008 at 6:04pm
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You are so right I am at that stage now ,people get on with it and
I sit alone talking to myself and my dogs and cats and reading on
this computer. Late at night and early morning is the worst cause
that is the time we always set aside for each other Mystery dust
-
Comment by Bonnie Labelle on September 18, 2008 at 6:05pm
-
You are so right I am at that stage now ,people get on with it and
I sit alone talking to myself and my dogs and cats and reading on
this computer. Late at night and early morning is the worst cause
that is the time we always set aside for each other Mystery dust
-
Comment by Tammy on November 13, 2008 at 8:29pm -
I lost my son a week ago on November 3rd to stillbirth. His funeral was just last Saturday. I work with over 75 people, many of whom I considered my friend. Only 2 people came to my son's funeral, and the majority of the others never contacted me in any way.
I say this, because it would've meant so much to me if they had been there for me. I've been at that job for nearly 14 years. Now I don't think I'll go back, because I don't feel wanted there.
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Comment by Cindy on November 14, 2009 at 6:23am -
Tammy,
I think that your co-workers didn't come because they were afraid to face you. They might not have known what to say, maybe they didn't want to "bother" you. Sometimes the others just can't cope with your emotional pain so they do the easiest thing possible and that is avoid you. It's not right; I agree.
My dear grandpa died on 9/24/08 to a sudden quick heart attack. It was somewhat unexpected and I felt the shock for a while. One friend of the family cornered me right before the memorial service and said something that made me kind of angry. I know she meant well but it only made me feel worse. She told me "I know this is a sad day for all of us but just remember that you wouldn't have wanted him to be an invalid". Sometimes they are insensitive without thinking about it. I know that our friend meant well, but I still felt offended. I think the best thing to say to someone is "I'm here for you" or "I'm sorry" and mean it when you say it. A hug can say just the right thing too.
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