How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?
By Elizabeth Harper Neeld,
Ph.D.
I don’t think you ever get over the loss in your heart. I think
you have to acknowledge the fact that, when you love someone and
that person is gone, you’re going to miss him or her. And that has
nothing to do with your spiritual strength or trust or even with
whether you’ve been true to your grieving. It’s a perfectly human
thing to continue to miss [someone] who has died. When
Christmastime comes, Christmas Eve, and there’s no Cliff who’s
going to walk in the door with a big sack of presents and say, ”Hi,
Mom!” I have a hard time.
But there’s no agonizing over Cliff now. There is peace and a quiet calmness. Dean and I are comfortable with the situation. If something beautiful happens or we’re somewhere Cliff would have been with us, we’ll say, “Hi, Cliff, wish you could see this…how’s it going, ol’ boy?” Something like that, but it’s not heavy. (Excerpt from Seven Choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld)
We feel so bad when we are grieving that it is not a surprise when we wonder, “How long will I have this terrible pain? Will this suffering ever end?”
To talk about this, we need to think about two kinds of time.
There is chronos time.
This is the kind of time measured by a calendar. Chronos time is counted in days, weeks, months, years. Chronos time describes a continuum of past, present, and future. It is the kind of time measured by clocks. A simple way to talk about chronos is as physical time.
Then there is kairos time.
Kairos time refers to “the time within which personal life moves forward.” The movement we experience as a result of moments of awakening or realization measures Kairos time. Kairos time refers to a deepening process that results from our paying attention to the present moment, a process through which we are “drawn inside the movement of our own story.” Kairos is an ordered but unmeasured kind of time outside space-time.
We might be tempted to measure the time of our grieving in chronos time. “Oh, it’s been a year—four seasons have passed—I should be ok by now.” Someone may suggest, “Give yourself a few months. You’ll feel like yourself again.” But it is not useful to measure our grieving in chronos time. In fact, chronos time is helpful only in that it gives us a span within which to experience our own kairos time. To think that because a certain amount of time has passed we should be farther along in our grieving is to set up a false measure of how well we are going. The mere passing of days and weeks and months and years does not within itself bring integration of our loss.
What matters is kairos time. What insights have I had? What have I realized? What meaning am I making of this terrible loss? We each have our own “entelechy”—to use a term from anthropology—that means our own “immanent force controlling and directing development.”
The amount of calendar time it takes to reach integration in our grieving is determined by our own kairos time, through our own entelechy. That’s why is no right or wrong amount of time an individual should take to grieve.
All that being said, what else can we note about time and grieving?
From my own experience and from the research I’ve done for decades on the grieving process, I can say this: the amount of time each of us takes to reach integration of our loss is usually longer rather than shorter.
What do I mean by this?
That the amount of kairos time it takes each of us to reach a place where the loss is integrated into our lives but does not dominate our lives is longer than “the person on the street” might suggest. Many folks around us would like for the process to be shorter rather than longer because they are not comfortable with the whole experience of grieving. As a society, we have cultural practices that suggest grieving should be short. (Don’t, for instance, many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member?)
The good news is that healthy grieving does result, at the time right for each of us, in an experience of integration. We take stock and say: I am changed by our loss, and I have changed my live as a result of my loss. And we are not shriveled permanently like a dry stick because of our loss. We can feel alive again…probably wiser, maybe quieter, certainly full of gratitude and a desire to contribute from what we have been through.
And all in good time. All in good kairos time.
Related articles:
• The Work of Grief
• Do I Have To Cry To Grieve?
• What 'Recovery' Will and Will Not Mean
• The Art of Losing
Also by Elizabeth Harper Neeld:
• What About All These Mysterious Things That Have Been Happening Since the Death?
• How Can We Hope When There Is No Hope?
• What About This Thing Called 'Acceptance'?
• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable
Dr. Elizabeth Harper
Neeld offers wisdom and practical insights born of personal
experience to people rebuilding their lives after suffering grief
and loss. As an internationally recognized and accomplished
consultant, advisor, and author of more than twenty books -
including
Tough Transitions
and
Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your
World - she is
committed to work that helps lift the human spirit.
Author's photo by Joey Bieber
Photo by tangywolf/Flickr Creative Commons
But there’s no agonizing over Cliff now. There is peace and a quiet calmness. Dean and I are comfortable with the situation. If something beautiful happens or we’re somewhere Cliff would have been with us, we’ll say, “Hi, Cliff, wish you could see this…how’s it going, ol’ boy?” Something like that, but it’s not heavy. (Excerpt from Seven Choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld)
We feel so bad when we are grieving that it is not a surprise when we wonder, “How long will I have this terrible pain? Will this suffering ever end?”
To talk about this, we need to think about two kinds of time.
There is chronos time.
This is the kind of time measured by a calendar. Chronos time is counted in days, weeks, months, years. Chronos time describes a continuum of past, present, and future. It is the kind of time measured by clocks. A simple way to talk about chronos is as physical time.
Then there is kairos time.
Kairos time refers to “the time within which personal life moves forward.” The movement we experience as a result of moments of awakening or realization measures Kairos time. Kairos time refers to a deepening process that results from our paying attention to the present moment, a process through which we are “drawn inside the movement of our own story.” Kairos is an ordered but unmeasured kind of time outside space-time.
We might be tempted to measure the time of our grieving in chronos time. “Oh, it’s been a year—four seasons have passed—I should be ok by now.” Someone may suggest, “Give yourself a few months. You’ll feel like yourself again.” But it is not useful to measure our grieving in chronos time. In fact, chronos time is helpful only in that it gives us a span within which to experience our own kairos time. To think that because a certain amount of time has passed we should be farther along in our grieving is to set up a false measure of how well we are going. The mere passing of days and weeks and months and years does not within itself bring integration of our loss.
What matters is kairos time. What insights have I had? What have I realized? What meaning am I making of this terrible loss? We each have our own “entelechy”—to use a term from anthropology—that means our own “immanent force controlling and directing development.”
The amount of calendar time it takes to reach integration in our grieving is determined by our own kairos time, through our own entelechy. That’s why is no right or wrong amount of time an individual should take to grieve.
All that being said, what else can we note about time and grieving?
From my own experience and from the research I’ve done for decades on the grieving process, I can say this: the amount of time each of us takes to reach integration of our loss is usually longer rather than shorter.
What do I mean by this?
That the amount of kairos time it takes each of us to reach a place where the loss is integrated into our lives but does not dominate our lives is longer than “the person on the street” might suggest. Many folks around us would like for the process to be shorter rather than longer because they are not comfortable with the whole experience of grieving. As a society, we have cultural practices that suggest grieving should be short. (Don’t, for instance, many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member?)
The good news is that healthy grieving does result, at the time right for each of us, in an experience of integration. We take stock and say: I am changed by our loss, and I have changed my live as a result of my loss. And we are not shriveled permanently like a dry stick because of our loss. We can feel alive again…probably wiser, maybe quieter, certainly full of gratitude and a desire to contribute from what we have been through.
And all in good time. All in good kairos time.
Related articles:
• The Work of Grief
• Do I Have To Cry To Grieve?
• What 'Recovery' Will and Will Not Mean
• The Art of Losing
Also by Elizabeth Harper Neeld:
• What About All These Mysterious Things That Have Been Happening Since the Death?
• How Can We Hope When There Is No Hope?
• What About This Thing Called 'Acceptance'?
• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable
Dr. Elizabeth Harper
Neeld offers wisdom and practical insights born of personal
experience to people rebuilding their lives after suffering grief
and loss. As an internationally recognized and accomplished
consultant, advisor, and author of more than twenty books -
including
Tough Transitions and
Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your
World - she is
committed to work that helps lift the human spirit.Author's photo by Joey Bieber
Photo by tangywolf/Flickr Creative Commons
Tagged: elizabeth harper neeld, holidays, living with loss, seven choices, special occasions, time doesn't heal, time heals all wounds, tough transitions, understanding grief
6 Comments
-
Comment by Mudianna on August 3, 2008 at 9:38am -
Hello Everyone, As far as "how long" does this last? I can only
speak for myself but in my heart of hearts, I really believe that
it depends a lot on what you had invested in that person; how close
you were, someone who say speaks by phone or in person to that
loved one every single day or visits with them every single night,
it will be very difficult to deal with the death of that person. I
believe that it truly depends on how much time you spent with that
person, places you visited, things you did together, etc. It has
been 16 very long years for me loosing my Dad and I don't believe
it will ever go away. Sure, the crying and fatigue lessens as times
goes by, for me that was my only comfort. Additionally, all of the
reminders all of the time,(i.e. Father's Day, Easter, Xmas,
Thanksgiving, etc); there is no escape. You have to keep busy and
go on with your life as hard as that is. Sadly enough, one would
think that a family would get closer with the loss; however many
people, family and friends start avoiding you and that hurts a lot.
However, it took me a long time to realize through my pain that
"people just don't know what to say or do". That is no excuse but
it is what it is. Thank you for letting me contribute my feelings.
God Bless!
-
Comment by Dorothy on May 5, 2009 at 1:02pm - My sister passed away from Cancer on January 17,2007. I am still grieving and feeling the lost. Some days when I am feeling down and blue, I wish she was here. I wish I had the oppotunity to be more in her life and tell her and let her know just how much I love her. My life has changed and turned full circle with mix emotions since her passing. How long will my grief last>
-
Comment by Connie on May 29, 2009 at 2:33am - My mom has been gone for 22 years and dad has been gone for just about 10 years. I can tell you that the pain does start to fade away but doesn't ever completely go away. It does get easier. How? I don't know, it just does.
-
Comment by Annie Warnock on June 6, 2009 at 2:25pm - My husband of 28 years passed away unexpectedly from cancer september 2, 2008. Myself and the family feel the loss each day. Sometimes it seems so unbearable. We try to stay strong for each other. Our life is not the same and my I am anxious about my future without him.
-
Comment by otilia perez on June 15, 2009 at 10:29am - my son has been gone for two years and four months and the pain is harder than it was before everyday it seems harder to bare. He was my only son and it feels as though my whole world crumbled down I feel nothing and at time I say to myself why? Why did this have to happen and I get no answers. I miss and love my son so much, I cry at night hoping that it will help ease the hurt but it doesn't. He was my only child and the day he passed I feel my life just stopped.
-
Comment by Steve Cain on June 26, 2009 at 7:58am - After we lost my Dad, my mom told me "You never get over it" and I realize how right she was. Both of my folks have been gone since the early 80's and this weekend I put to rest my beautiful wife of only 10 months (August 17, 2008). The fact that we worked in the same place, which is where we met, is going to be a mixed bag. I'll have support, but also those memories. I still cry at times when I think about my folks, I just don't know how I'm going to now have to handle thinking about 3 people, especially at big holidays and special days.
LegacyConnect Badge
Spread the word. Get your own LegacyConnect badge for your website or MySpace page. (Get Code)
© 2009 Created by Legacy.com
