Loneliness Is To Be Felt
Here is how author Marta Felber copes with her loneliness since losing her husband, Joe.
Alone Time Made Better
By Marta Felber
Friends ask, “What hurts the most?” Always I answer, “Loneliness for Joe. It never goes away.” I don’t want to run from this loneliness because I know to feel it is an important part of the grieving process. But my alone time can be enriched.
Don’t fight it; let the feelings come. Express aloud, on paper, physically (without hurting myself), and with tears.
When feelings of loneliness for him are blocked, do something to bring on the grief: look at pictures of him and of us together, read some of his cards or letters, think about the ways I miss him, or find and hold something special that belonged to him.
Talk with others who loved him too. Cry together.
Structure my loneliness by containing it within a reasonable period of time. Then do something different. I call this “containment.”
Create a lovely “alone place” in my home and schedule meditation time every day. Sit for twenty minutes, completely relaxed. Say one word over and over, like “peace,” love,” “one.” Ignore other thoughts. Let go completely. At the end of twenty minutes, come back slowly.
Determine the time of the week that I mind being alone the most (Sundays for me). List things I might do: sit at a different place in church; take turns, with other “alone” friends, cooking and serving dinner; check television listings for special programs; drive to an area park and explore or sit and read; visit a museum; bake cookies with a borrowed kid; find a volunteer job for every Sunday.
Learn to treasure my time alone. Make a date with myself, dress up, fix a nice meal, serve it with music and candlelight. Give positive messages to myself. Stay dressed up for the rest of the evening. The next time a friend cannot go with me to something I want to attend, go alone. Consciously enjoy the moment.
Related articles:
• Creatively Coping With Grief
• The Value of Reminiscing
• What Helps When We're Stumbling in the Dark
Also by Marta Felber:
• I Need a Hug
• How to Make It Through the Night
• My Journal Is My Friend
• I Need to Exercise: Walking 'Down' Times Away
Marta Felber, author of
Grief Expressed When a Mate Dies
and
Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies
, has held many
counseling and consulting positions in the U.S. and abroad,
including serving for 10 years as director and head counselor at a
center for expatriates in Jakarta, Indonesia.Tagged: grief expressed, losing a partner, losing a spouse, marta felber, share your story, what to do, when a mate dies
5 Comments
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Comment by Marti Lynn Lambert on April 7, 2009 at 1:04pm - September the 5th 2008 i lost the love of my life. I was with jayare for 8 yrs. i fill so alone without him here. We have a 3 yr old little boy! I have never felt so alone in my whole life. Some days i can not cope with it and other days i am alright. The support of friends help alot. although i have no friends or family who cares. I love him and miss him so much. How do i cope with this alone? R.I.P. Earl Monore Riley Jr.
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Comment by Marti Lynn Lambert on April 7, 2009 at 1:05pm
- my e-mail is rvrrider28@yahoo.com
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Comment by Brenda L. Morgan on June 16, 2009 at 10:37am - Since my dad has been gone i light a candle everyday in which i try to remember to light one in his memory. I also lost my mom with Leukimia so both of my parents are gone. And they are soely missed but i think about them everyday.
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Comment by Niki on July 28, 2009 at 12:10pm - A scripture that always comforts me is at Psalms 34:18 where it says "God is close to those who are broken at heart." We can pour out our sadness to him in prayer and he will be there for us.
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Comment by Andrea Ganesh on September 30, 2009 at 7:00pm - I lost my spouse in a car accifent on March 31,2009
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