To Ella and all of you at Grief Support...I wanted to think of something positive to deal with losing my mom..and the feelings of longing for her, guilt, denial...and you know all the rest.

My mom Vicky passed away on  December 2010..about a year and a half ago...So I decided to do this...I hope this helps some of you...perhaps you can so something similar. My mom died of colon cancer but also had macular degeneration.

Theresa

Dear Sweet Friends,

Hi Ella!  Just checking in, to see how you are keeping!  Hope you are having a good day!

Take Care, Jennifer

I wanted to stop by and say hi! How are you doing? Today has been a rough day for me. I don't know why but the tears have been flowing.  Hugs to you!

Ella,

Ella, I printed out & read your letter.  Was your mom in an assisted living facility or nursing home, or she started out in the ALF, then suffered kidney failure & had to enter a nursing home, I think I have that right.  Ella, in my personal opinion, most likely the nursing home is at fault - I'm going to give you my Juno address:  krusso@juno.com  Please send mail to this address & we'll talk more about it.  This is very difficult for me on two levels:  one I went through this w/my beloved Daddy & now my own mother is in a nursing home at age 93!  Very mild dementia.  She's coherent, etc., but is in a wheelchair, knows what's going on, etc., etc. can feed herself, but there are problems with that nursing home that scare the hell out of me.  Anyway, I called this morning to get information about a bill about 9:30 & the phone rang about 25 times before the RECEPTIONIST answered again - then she tried again, this time mom's nurse answered!  I honestly don't know why it took them that long to answer the phone on a weekday morning!!!!  Anyway, send maill to my Juno address, ok?  Karen

Ella- I got the e-mail today and felt a warm hug through your words. I lost my mom January 5, 2012.  Just like you she was my best friend.  You are not alone.  I am at the stage now where I do not know if I made the right decision.  My mind is racing my nights are long.  They tell me it gets better but I don't think I even begun.  So here is a warm hug out to you!

Ella, don't ever worry about how much you say in an email.  You can say as little or as much as you want to me.  When the nursing home & doctors said "adult failure to thrive," it basically means she either didn't want to eat or take "treatments" as they call it in my mom's nursing home (yes, my 93 y.o. mom is in a nursing home w/VERY mild dementia), or the "treatment" wasn't working.  Ella, I will print out your message later so I can put a little more thought into it.  Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer in Dec 2011 & have my "prep" appointment in 30 minutes so I must leave soon to go to that.  However, after I read your message - I didn't want too much time to go past without you getting a reply from me.  Be well, hon, hang in there, ok?  Karen

Hi Ella,

I lost my mom Vicky December 24, 2010.  I wasn't there for her when she died.

I was planning to spend the whole week with her.  I saw her Wednesday night and spoke  to her Thursday night. I felt she was going to die any moment. I had planned on spending the whole week with her because I teach and I would be off  the whole week.

I had the nerve to get a manicure thursday night..after I spoke to her on the phone as she tried to speak but was unable. I told her on the phone that I love her and was coming for the week.  The following morning I had to clean my apartment because I wanted to come home to a clean apt. when the week was done.  She died as I was cleaning...and I wasn't there. I knew she would die at any moment and I chose to get a manicure because my nails were a mess and i wanted to feel as together as possible for the week she would die. And I was cleaning and the most precious woman in my life died without me there. The aid was there in her house....and my stepdad was upstairs..the aid was the last one I believe that my mom saw before she died. My stepfather came running down and he wasn't sure if she died before he got there or when he was there...anyway...the aid, Janice was wonderful. My mom was fond of her.

I have chosen to be denial with the last moments of her life and me being Ms. Orderly...

She got really sick around October/November and was gone by December 24th. Kind of like  your mom so quickly gone...she stopped eating too.

I know how you feel..and I thank you for writing as you are helping me express my feelings which I camouflage quite a bit. 

One thing I can tell you for sure I am a mother of grown sons. I am 64....and I love my two sons so, so much...that when I go...and if they are not there I would never ever want them to feel guilty..so please know that when....in fact if they were at baseball game while I was leaving this earth...that would make me very happy.

Please be good to yourself....and remember mothers never ever really leave their children.

Ella, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother.  I lost my Daddy in November 2009 at age 94.  I'm a Hospice volunteer and unfortunately, your mother died from what is known as "adult failure to thrive."  It's a common Hospice term.  I know that doesn't lessen the pain at all, but I was hoping I could explain it a little more so you could understand what the doctors obviously didn't explain to you.  Please let me know if you want more of an understanding of what "failure to thrive" means.  Ella, your mother didn't starve.  I promise you that.  My heart & thoughts are with you.  Karen Simonetti-Russo