Dear Marianne,

(((HUGS)))

Anna May

Hello Marianne. I can't find words to say how truly sorry I am for the heartbreak loss and the pain you are going through. To even post his picture, my heart breaks for you.  Why did your son go?  Why did my son go? I have so many questions that need answers and the ex-gf won't talk to me, because she pushed my son over the edge. I never in my entire life or wildest dreams thought my son all of 44 would pick a borrowed gun and shoot himself in the head.  I can't get past that. I can't get past that he's gone away for ever until we meet in Heaven.  He has made contact with me on several occasions and I now dream of him, but oh-he felt he was useless to any of us. He left behind a kid brother who is really suffering and I can't reach him.  I am left alone caregiving for my stroke victim mom 24/7 and she can't speak but she understands.  I had to up my meds by 10 mg, but no matter what I do he is right in front of me. My depression is scaring me. My memory and my brain is on overload and my mom has health issues and I have to doctor her and I'm just her daughter. I feel I'm in a whirlwind and the rest of my life I will totally spin out of control.  Sometimes I wonder if there is a God, and believing that he exists I ask why take him home this way? or why take him at all.  Sometimes I feel religion is a big joke anyway.  We will all find out in the end how we've been brainwashed.  My son didn't believe in God, only a more higher power, but not in the way I believe in God/Jesus/etc. He got very nervous going into a church but he would go with me on certain occassions.  I was so looking forward to going to Mass with him on this Mother's Day.  I'll have to take him in my heart.  You do the same.  Please keep  writing.  I can only offer you what I am going through moment after moment. Maybe with All of Us here we can make a difference in each person's life and going forth. He's been gone since 1.29.12.  My birthday is 7.29.  I will be 64 he will have been gone 6 months.  I celebrate no more birthdays. Just hang in there is all I can say. you don't want to give in to the alternative of what your son did, though with me strange thoughts come and go.  Keep in touch.  I love you. I hope I can help you with your journey.

Thank you Marianne for accepting my friend request.  I am very happy that you have come once again to this website but very sorry to see you beating yourself up. 

Grief following a suicide is always complex. This is not something you just "get over." It is not the Flu…  Not that I agree that you should feel guilty, but as a mother you are suffering the greatest of all pain.  You are struggling with explosive emotions, well beyond the limits experienced in other types of deaths.

I haven’t been on this site for months but for some reason, today, I felt compelled to look at my page.  There you were just returning also – was it meant to be?  I pray to be able to help others that are suffering.  I will listen, not with my ears, but with my heart, if you want to talk.

May I ask, why you feel so strongly?  I really want to listen.  I don’t believe that I am special nor that I have the answers, but I care.   

Anna

So sorry Marianne, many times there are no words. With you, Hugs, Garry.

my heart break a million times having to see his picture of ur boy like this it looks like my nightmare...am so sorry but sometimes I do blame myself for NOT using tough love...am so hurt..

Marianne,  I started with the "What ifs" all the way back to when my boys were small..   I always felt like I was doing what I had to do to help them, but then something went wrong.   I thought I was doing the right thing by them and had some Tough Love moments myself... to no avail I am afraid.   We love our children and try to teach them and make them see what is the best thing to do to be "Safe".   That is what we are supposed to teach our children...   The bible states several times that we are supposed to bring our children up and teach them right from wrong... parents have to use tough methods at times when things are not working....  It was not meant to work in our childrens case....What happened was in God's plan... who know why we are not ever going to understand.....all I know is my focus has changed and my heart will forever be focused on seeing my son again and making sure I can lead as many people to Christ as I can, just as the bible directs me to do...   I am going to believe our children are safe, happy and away from any more pain, sadness, or struggle.   We are all changed, we are all different, and forever will love and keep our children in our hearts and focus until we see them again....   I am sorry for your pain, I know it all too well.

Hello Marianne,

I read your post from Oct 7 2011 and was moved to tears that you blame you for your son's death. Since you said that you used tough love means, to me, that you were trying to help your son. No one can know the mind of another and as parents we are just doing the best we can. My son has turned aside from everything he was taught even our family values. I have been told that I did a good job and that as a grown man his decisions are his and does not reflect on me or my family.  Well, I understand the words but I still "feel" I am to blame. Suicide is much easier to recognize after it happens - like hind sight is 20/20 - but not easily seen before.  Please do not torment yourself it really isn't your fault even if you "feel" it is.  I will do some research for you and maybe find something to help. I will keep you in my prayers.