Hi Mary kay what brought me to this link is because i cant let go of my grandson who was 5years old and was given pills to swollow that killed him and then suffercated by these people and some person watch it it and was so scared that this prson has to live with it forthe rest of the life. I cant say who it was because i havent yet told dective because he blaming my daughter when he should be catching the real persons that killed him and the person who put this person up to do it while other watched he was only five years old and im so angry and hurt my mind is spinning half the time , its been 10 months and i cant let go or maybe i just dont want to let go, i help raised my grandkids and i loved each one the same i miss him so much as i miss my other grand kids my family was torn apart from me right before my eyes, i never knew what loneliness meant or felt until that evening. Thats why i peak in once in a while. People say i need to talk and get help but my grandson was murder and these cops dont want to do their job. so my mind is far from me and i just dont want no one around or talk to, but since you have reach out to me i will share my pain with you im grandma and im taking real hard still i watch him come into this world and i had to buried him along with my daughter. I did not even tell him i see you later when the casset close bc drama in the parking lot of the funeral home. So i have no closure any where but pictures of my zayzay it hurts so bad i dont let any one in my family see me cry. thats my story Mary kay

Dear Mary Kay - I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.  I understand how you feel about the pain.  It is absolutely unbearable.  Tyler was 24 and my only child.  He took everything from me when he passed - my happiness, my reason for living, my future.  And you are left with the shattered pieces of your broken dreams.  I can tell you, however, that I am glad you found this site.  It saved me more than once.  When I thougth I was losing my mind, or that I had lost it, or when I had thoughts enter my head that I couldn't even speak about I came here.  Just about every person has felt, thought and experienced the exact same thing.  Those that haven't experienced this tragedy can try to be understanding, but only those who are on this path can actually know what we feel.  Contact me whenever you feel the need to talk, or just post to the site and someone will answer.  It was two years ago this past January for me.  I know that seems like an eternity to you right now.  But it was still just like yesterday.  And while I have improved over what I was like that first year, things go back and forth.  For instance, Tyler's best friend sent me a letter yesterday and I spent the rest of the day back at square one, finally going to bed at 9:00.  I can tell you that the first year is like nothing you could ever imagine.  I wish I could sugar coat it for you.  But it will be like descending into hell.  You will, however, gradually crawl back out.  One day you will look up and realize that you will actually live through this.  Because there were times for me when I doubted that I could.  There still are those moments. I have also met one or two persons on this site that I have become very close to, even though we have never met in person.  It just seems like our feelings and emotions were the same at the same time and we just clicked.  We write back and forth each week, and it really helps.

I would also counsel you to look for grief groups or the like in your area.  I joined a group through hospice for parents who have lost children.  None of them were lost due to cancer or serious illness, but a variety of other causes.  We have grown together over time, with new people joining all too frequently.  I cannot stress enough how much it helped me to just know that others were going through this as well. It might help you as well.  Know that I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.  Hope to hear from you soon.

JoAnn - Tyler's mom.