FINDING IT MOST DIFFICULT ESPECIALLY THIS EVENING, BEING NEW YEARS EVE... MY FIRST WITHOUT MY PRECIOUS HUSBAND, BILL. I'VE TRIED REMEMBERING SO MANY SPECIAL MOMENTS WE SHARED, BUT I KEEP COMING BACK TO ALL OF THE NEW YEARS EVE'S WE SHARED. WE ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO THE UPCOMING NEW YEAR. WITHOUT HIM BY MY SIDE I CAN'T EVEN CONSIDER LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEW YEAR. NOT ONLY AM I LOST WITHOUT HIM,  BUT ALSO AFRAID. HE WAS MY PROTECTOR, MY SOULMATE, MY BEST FRIEND. FOR YEARS I BATTLED MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS. HE LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY. HE HELD DOWN A FULL TIME JOB AND WAS ALSO MY FULL TIME CAREGIVER. I CONSIDER MYSELF TO HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY THIS AWESOME MAN FOR AS MANY YEARS AS WE WERE TOGETHER. SO MANY BROKEN DREAMS, SO MANY PLANS WE HAD... HE FOUGHT METASTATIC MALIGANT MELANOMA FOR CLOSE TO 2 YEARS AND FOUGHT IT WITH EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE. HE WOULD TELL THE DOCTORS THAT HIS GOAL WAS TO BE ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING BECAUSE NO ONE COULD EVER CARE FOR ME AS HE COULD... AND HE WAS RIGHT. WHAT A LONELY LIFE THIS IS WITHUT HIM. EVEN OUR LITTLE TOY POODLE BELLA IS GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION. SHE'S BEEN MY SHADOW SINCE BILL PASSED AWAY, BUT AT TIMES I SEE HER WIDE AWAKE WITH HER LITTLE FACE UPON HER PAWS JUST STARING OUT INTO SPACE. IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES TO SEE HER THIS WAY AS WE BOTH FEEL SUCH AM IMMENSE SENSE OF LOSS. IF I WERE ABLE TO DRIVE AND GET OUT INTO THE COMMUNITY MAYBE LIFE WOULDN'T BE SO BAD, BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE. I'M TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE WINTER WITH THE GOAL OF POSSIBLY PURCHASING AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER IN THE SPRING IF MY VISION GETS BETTER AFTER EYE SURGERY. I AM TOTALLY BLIND IN MY LEFT EYE WITH A CATARACT ON MY RIGHT EYE. I CANNOT EVEN FATHOM THE THOUGHT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE! I'M ONL 61, AND I'M TRYING SO HARD TO REMAIN AS INDEPENDENT AS I POSSIBLY CAN EVEN THOUGH IT'S TOUGH. MY LIFE WITH BILL WAS LIKE A FAIRY TALE. HE MADE EVERYTHING NEAR PERFECT FOR ME AND HAD THIS HAD HAPPENED WHILE HE WAS ALIVE, I KNOW THAT SOMEHOW HE WOULD HAVE PROTECTED ME. BEING ALONE IS UNBEARABLE, BUT I WON'T GIVE UP. I HAVE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL THAT ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN. EIGHT YEARS AGO, MY SON TONY WAS KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER. BILL WAS MY ROCK THROUGH IT ALL. HE HELD ME UP WEN I COULDN'T EVEN BEAR TO WAKE UP ANOTHER MORNING. MY ROCK IS GONE NOW SO SOMEHOW I PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND TRY TO JOURNEY ONWARD. FOR 5 YEARS I WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND BASICALLY BEDRIDDEN. WHEN BILL WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED THAT YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS. I TOLD HIM ALL I WANTED WAS A "ROLLING WALKER" WITH A SEAT! SO, FOR 2 YEARS NOW I HAVE MADE MYSELF WALK. I KNEW THERE WOULD COME A TIME WHEN HE WOULD BE UNABLE TO LIFT MY WHEELCHAIR INTO THE TRUNK OF OUR CAR. I WANTED TO EASE HIS BURDENS. I THANK GOD I AM STILL ABLE TO WALK WITH MY WALKER EVEN THOUGH MY BODY IS FILLED WITH CONSTANT CHRONIC PAIN. I HAVE A WONDERFUL PAIN CLINIC PHYSICIAN WHO HAS DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE FOR ME. NOW IT'S UP TO ME TO MANAGE MY MEDS AND TO GET THROUGH EACH AND EVERY DAY. MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL WHO ARE SUFFERING WITH GRIEF ESPECALLY RIGHT NOW THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS.  I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO SAY TO HELP ALL OF US. JUST KNOW THERE ARE MANY OF US WALKING THIS SAME JOURNEY...