Janice:

I hope we can be of help to each other. My Charlie died 7 weeks ago today and he was 66. We have been married for 45 years (while we were both in college). We are almost at the same spot on this terrible road.

Charlie had a lung transplant almost 9 years ago. Before that he had been on oxygen 24/7. Without the transplant he would have been gone then. He did well as lung transplants go (5 years is a good outcome) We became a little complacent. We always just thought he would have a slow decline. In March he broke his wrist badly enough to need surgery. Although he was released the next day we returned to the hospital that night. His oxygen level was really low and his heart beat was irregular. I had awakened him to take meds. They tell me now that if I had not called 911 he most likely would have died in his sleep (don't really know how I feel about that). As it was he spent a torturous month in ICU far from our home. Either my brother or I was with him almost every minute. He was intubated 3 times. He had pneumonia.(no immune system because of post transplant drugs). His kidneys failed and he was on fulltime dialysis. He suffered a painful hematoma in the groin. All this time because he was intubated and his right wrist was broken he could hardly communicate with me. Of course, I kept telling him I loved him, but we never had "that" conversation. I kept thinking somehow we would get through everything and we would talk later. As a final straw he had a perforated bowel and could not have surgery. On Easter Sunday I had to make the decision to let him go. He died 30 hours later with me holding on to him and telling him how much I loved him. I can still see him take his last breath.

I hope you don't mind me piling these details on to you. I will gladly listn to your story.

I can't realy see an end to this grief. I truly feel I have nothing to live for. I have gotten some help on this website. Talking about Charlie always helps me for a while. Maybe you can find the same comfort.

Julie