When a death occurs in the Jewish faith, there are very specific rituals concerning burial and mourning that provide comfort to the bereaved as well as a framework for what to say and do.
It is custom for burials to take place as soon as possible, usually within twenty-four hours, but no longer than two days following the death. An exception is made only if immediate family must travel long distances. All aspects of the funeral are as simple as possible. There is no wake or viewing and the cask…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on November 23, 2009 at 10:12am —
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While in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on November 5, 2009 at 6:00am —
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A young woman who was eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she called her supervisor at work and requested he notify her colleagues by e-mail so she wouldn’t have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alon…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on October 26, 2009 at 6:42pm —
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The Unitarian faith is a practical religion that believes in economy. Most members cremate their dead and they hold memorial services that are a celebration of life, scheduled at a date convenient for the family.
Their memorial services are personal with favorite music and readings. The families are very involved in their planning and they often share funny and poignant stories of the deceased. Attendees are invited to participate so if you knew the deceased and have a story to share, your cont…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on October 20, 2009 at 8:36am —
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What is it about a miscarriage that makes it so difficult to say the right thing? Women who miscarry report that they’re frequently the target of callous and hurtful comments that dismiss or trivialize their loss. While the list of offenders includes friends, colleagues, and medical professionals, the worst culprits might surprise you; often family members, especially their own moms, mothers-in-law, sisters, and sisters-in-law.
Here’s a list of what you should NEVER say after a miscarriage:
•…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on October 13, 2009 at 7:30am —
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We honor the deceased by making donations in their memory. Many obituaries designate a charity or fund selected by the family, but what if the organization is one you’d prefer not to support or worse, in conflict with your values? Do you donate anyway or ignore the family’s request, making a donation to a charity or cause you support? And what if there is no indication of where to donate? How do you choose something appropriate?
Ask yourself, "Why am I making the donation?" Is it to both honor…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on October 5, 2009 at 8:00am —
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The words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.
In times of death, we often extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are usually synonymous with condolence messages. When offering sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Cards, notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and offers of assistance are all expressions of sympathy.
But you don’t offer empathy, you feel it. Empathy is the act of putti…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on September 24, 2009 at 10:00am —
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I saw Billy Crystal in his one-man show “700 Sundays” and was deeply touched by his personal story. He relates how his father’s untimely death at age 54, when Crystal was 15, set him apart from his peers and forever changed him. He tells of looking in the mirror shortly after his father’s death and seeing a man instead of a 15-year old.
Crystal’s story resonated with me because I share the same legacy; I was 11-years old when I too lost my 54-year old father. When Crystal relates the burden of…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on September 15, 2009 at 2:30pm —
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When you’ve lost a loved one, the world as you knew it has changed forever. You lose your bearings, relationships change, and routines shift. Nothing feels right and the unfamiliarity is an uncomfortable reminder that life won’t ever be the same.
Most of us cherish the regularity of our lives and it’s our daily routines that give structure to our days. One of the most helpful things you can do for someone grieving a loss is to help them re-establish routines.
1. Offer to bring milk and bread e…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on August 19, 2009 at 2:30pm —
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Two of my friends are great listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory.
So what makes a good listener? Most important, the willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. A…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on August 5, 2009 at 12:00pm —
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It’s a challenge to craft a meaningful condolence note in the best of circumstances. But how do you acknowledge a death when the relationship was difficult or even estranged?
The depth of one’s grief doesn’t necessarily equate to the quality of the relationship, so just because someone had a difficult relationship doesn’t mean they’re not hurting. It’s even possible that they’re hurting more because the opportunity for reconciliation has passed. And they’ll grieve that loss along with what migh…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on July 28, 2009 at 7:00pm —
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Susan is in her sixties with four grown children that have brought her great joy. Yet she still feels the sting of a hurtful comment made after her miscarriage decades ago. Susan painfully recounts how a friend expressed no sympathy but asked, “Do you know what caused it?”
Like Susan, M…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on July 21, 2009 at 3:30pm —
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When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you share your condolences with the bereaved and express your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses is often a question: “How did they die?”
No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how do…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on July 13, 2009 at 3:30pm —
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Why do people avoid saying the name of the deceased? A friend facing the anniversary of her husband’s death was hurt that friends no longer said her husband’s name. She finally asked them why and they told her they were afraid his name would make her sad. She’s already sad that her husband died and she thinks about him all the time; she told her friends she likes to talk about him, too.
That reminded me of a story another friend shared. It was the anniversary of the death of her 21-year old nei…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on July 6, 2009 at 10:00am —
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I was in the checkout line when the clerk told me Michael Jackson (MJ) had just died at age fifty. I admit I was shocked and when I returned home, found everyone all a-Twitter with the news. The media’s obsession with MJ’s death was expected and we’ll be hearing about it for some time. But the online expressions of grief seemed excessive and practically shut down the Internet.
In the days since MJ’s death, I’ve seen crowds of people expressing grief with notes, flowers, balloons, stuffed animal…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on June 30, 2009 at 10:00am —
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A member of my community took his life. It was a sudden and traumatic loss and while some people treated his widow with kindness, she shared that she was unprepared for the hurtful actions of others. For example, she saw a friend walking towards her…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on June 23, 2009 at 11:00am —
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I see my mother everywhere. Though I never looked like her, I can now see a physical resemblance and so many of my qualities remind me of her. Not so for my dad. Everyone said I looked like him but I no longer can see the resemblance. I never had the good fortune to get to know him and he wasn’t part of my life long enough for me to emulate him in any way.
My father died when I was eleven. While his death was devastating, my mother dedicated herself to raising four independent children in a fam…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on June 15, 2009 at 11:00am —
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How can you help a friend who’s numb with grief over the loss of a loved one and at times takes her anger out on you?
You can help your friend deal with her grief with any of the following activities:
1. Physical activity is a wonderful way to channel anger and refocus. You and your friend might make a date to take a weekly walk together in the evening or sign up for an exercise class together. You might need to arrange to pick her up to make sure it happens.
2. Music and other artistic expre…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on June 3, 2009 at 2:30pm —
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A reader shares: “My brother’s funeral was in another state and my immediate family was unable to attend. I’m coordinating a memorial service for him in our hometown. How can I make it appropriate for all in attendance who have many thoughts and religious beliefs?”
If you are holding a memorial service in a house of worship, you’ll need to check with the pastoral staff for guidance. But if you’re not holding the service in a house of worship, I believe you have a lot of flexibility in how you s…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on May 27, 2009 at 12:00pm —
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Do you have time to write a note today? I met someone who told me that once a week she sits at her desk and asks herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she writes one to someone who could use a dose of kindness.
In the frenzy to stay on top of things most of us find it difficult to find the time to write a note, no less figure out who could use some cheering up. But think how many spirits we’d lift if we all took the time this week to write one note to one person to let them know t…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on May 15, 2009 at 6:30am —
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When friends and family faced tough times, my mom knew just what to do. She was a master at doling out comfort and her willingness to listen bonded many friendships. But it was her prowess as a baker that forged relationships. Whether someone was just home from the hospital or grieving a loss, my mom paid a visit, always with something baked from her kitchen.
So it’s no surprise that in the weeks following my mom’s death, I spent countless hours in the kitchen, trying to comfort myself in the s…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on May 6, 2009 at 7:00am —
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This April, we’ve had two anniversaries of tragic events that deeply touched our lives: Columbine High School and Virginia Tech. Many of us remember where we were when we heard the news and how fixed we were on media coverage. Some of us lived in towns where the victims lived; some of us…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on April 21, 2009 at 2:30pm —
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When my cousin died many years ago, a poem she wrote about her herself, her husband and children was read at her funeral. My aunt had the poem written in calligraphy and gave me a copy for my birthday. Decades passed and my cousin’s children married and had children of their own. One day, I realized I no longer lingered to read the poem and wondered if my cousin’s daughter would better appreciate it. But I wasn’t sure if it would open old wounds so I wrote her a letter to ask if she’d like it. S…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on April 14, 2009 at 3:30pm —
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Someone who likes to keep in touch with the bereaved recently asked: “Is it appropriate when leaving a message to let them know its okay for them not to return the call?” Does that message convey that he would rather not hear back from them? Or, as was his intent, did it take the pressure off of them to return the call?
Many of us like to keep in touch when those we care about are going through a difficult time. And yet it’s hard to time our phone calls to reach the recipient when they are rece…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on April 7, 2009 at 3:00pm —
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It’s easy to feel uncomfortable when you don’t know what to expect and that’s what happened to someone who recently attended a visitation. Visitations and funerals are not the same but they usually go hand in hand.
The visitation is a little less formal than the funeral and it’s an…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on April 1, 2009 at 8:30am —
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My daughter visited this week and when she arrived she had a twinkle in her eye. She extended her hand and there was a card I had never seen. “I found this while I was cleaning and it’s from Grandma,” she said.
I sat on the couch in front of the fire and…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on March 17, 2009 at 4:00pm —
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When it comes to doing the right thing, even I make mistakes. This week, I accompanied my daughter to a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. The funeral was a beautiful tribute to her friend’s dad and extremely memorable, in more ways than one.
The two of us did plan; what to wear,…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on March 12, 2009 at 7:30am —
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Months ago, I led a workshop on communications during difficult times. One participant shared that after a cousin’s spouse passed away, he and his wife had covered all the bases. They attended the funeral, sent a condolence note, and made a donation in memory of the deceased.
While acknowledging his thoughtfulness, I mentioned the importance of keeping in touch in the months following a death. A simple phone call to the bereaved can mean so much; just say hello and let them know they’re in your…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on March 4, 2009 at 7:00am —
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When someone you hardly know has died, it can be shocking to experience strong emotions. This happened to me several years ago; I read the morning paper and realized that the 15-year old who died in an automobile accident was the daughter of long ago friends. I had only met the daughter once, shortly after her birth, and yet I remember sobbing as I read her name.
We can’t possibly predict how we’ll feel when someone we know dies; and it’s even harder to imagine how a loss might affect us when i…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on February 24, 2009 at 7:00pm —
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Even those with the best intentions might say something inappropriate to the bereaved. Hurtful sentiments can damage relationships; so many individuals stay away, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing.
So what can you do? Stick to the basics when speaking with t…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on February 18, 2009 at 7:30am —
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It can be really awkward when someone you know is grieving a loss and you never met the deceased. Should you participate in the burial and mourning rituals at the funeral, cemetery, or home? Do you pay a personal call days or weeks following a death? Maybe you did know the deceased, but you’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing and contemplate staying away.
Many folks have questions on what’s appropriate etiquette following a death. I’ve come to the conclusion that just showing up is what’s mo…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on February 10, 2009 at 2:00pm —
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It’s very thoughtful to thank individuals for their kindness during times of loss. But what exactly do you say? And how do you respond when you’ve received things from people you don't know?
Notes are very personal and what you say depends on how you feel about writing the notes. Some folks write thank you notes for cards, flowers and gifts and yet others find they’re just too sad for the task. Here’s how some individuals handle it:
1. Create a template and use the same format and language for…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on February 4, 2009 at 7:00am —
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It’s really tough to ask friends for help since it feels like we can’t handle our affairs. And yet we all face experiences that are so difficult, it is impossible to cope by ourselves. Some folks know the right things to do but others will look to you for guidance. Here are some things you might ask for when facing a tough time:
1. Ask to have a lunch or dinner order picked up at a favorite food outlet. I did this with a friend, leaving a lunch order over her voicemail, giving her the restauran…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 30, 2009 at 6:30am —
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Folks think they’re being helpful when they offer, “Call me if you need anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your ass…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 27, 2009 at 12:30pm —
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When we learn there’s a death, we think it’s essential to respond immediately. Some folks rise to the occasion and quickly craft a heartfelt message. But if you need some time to do the job justice, take it. The bereaved get most attention in the early days and weeks, while they’re in shock and processing the loss, and most likely won’t remember much. It’s in the weeks and months ahead, when mourning takes place, that they might most appreciate a note from you. Here are five strategies for prepa…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 23, 2009 at 7:30am —
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People express concern in finding the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what's truly special are messages that come from your heart.
It's been eight years since my mother died and my family lit a candle t…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 20, 2009 at 2:00pm —
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When someone is going through a difficult time, communications and actions need not be elaborate to make a difference. Choose one or more of these five simple steps to offer your support:
1. Send a note to share your sadness, feelings, or memories and let the recipient know they are in your thoughts and prayers.
2. Bring a meal, food item, or gift card for a favorite carry-out restaurant.
3. Make contact before going to the grocery store, pharmacy, hardware store, or post office to see if ther…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 15, 2009 at 10:00am —
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When someone trusts you enough to share their thoughts and feelings, they're asking for just one thing - they'd like you to listen. They're not looking to you for answers and they don't want you to judge. They just want to voice their experience.
It's not easy to be a listener; it takes lots of energy and hard work to actively listen. You'll listen more effectively if you avoid these six additional distractions:
1. Don't finish their sentences. Remind yourself how important it is to have patie…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 12, 2009 at 1:30pm —
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It’s one thing to support a family member or friend dealing with loss but harder to know what to say and do with relationships that lack intimacy. It may seem safe to do nothing when you’re uncertain how best to proceed but it’s the small kindnesses that mean a lot and go a long way in providing comfort. Here are some suggestions from real-life queries:
Q: How can you support a colleague that has experienced a painful loss? My supervisor is really an acquaintance and her 25-year old daughter, a…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 8, 2009 at 2:30pm —
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Despite your best intentions, it can be hard to listen intently to someone dealing with pain and loss. Our personal communication experience is one of interactive dialogue but if you are to truly help someone processing a loss, the dialogue should be one way.
Distractions are barriers to effective listening. Here are six you can easily avoid:
1. Don't multi-task such as folding laundry, sorting mail, or unloading the dishwasher. Even if you're on the phone, they can hear.
2. Don't crack your k…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on January 5, 2009 at 7:00am —
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Someone facing a difficult experience needs an outlet to voice their concerns and fears. It is through conversations, sharing our stories over and over again, that we finally make sense of what is happening in our lives. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on December 29, 2008 at 5:30pm —
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Holidays should be joyful, but they are often sad for individuals grieving a loss or going through a difficult experience. Five simple things can bring cheer to those facing tough times:
1. Write a personal note to let them know you are thinking of them and their loved o…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on December 18, 2008 at 4:30pm —
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A colleague, Joan Price, recently lost her beloved husband, Robert. Many folks she encountered found it hard to say the right thing and too often she was asked, “How are you doing?" Joan wondered, “What was I supposed to answer? The truth was ‘Horrible, of cour…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on December 2, 2008 at 4:30pm —
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It happens all the time. Something has us stressed, upset, or worried and we search for comfort. But what we really need is someone to listen; someone to give us their full attention as we share our fears and concerns. We’re not looking for advice, we’re looking for understanding. And we each have the power to give this all important gift – our time and attention.
It’s hard to ask for support but we can’t expect our friends and loved ones to be mind readers and intuitively understand our needs.…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on November 25, 2008 at 4:30pm —
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When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories and, if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated. But what…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on November 20, 2008 at 2:00pm —
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What happens when someone you care about is grieving a loss and you know you said the wrong thing? That’s what happened to a friend of mine. She attended a family dinner and said something to her sister-in-law that she immediately knew was inappropriate. She didn’t know what to do, so she said nothing and her sister-in-law never mentioned it either. And even though the relationship seems fine, my friend feels guilty and wonders if there is something she can say a year later to make amends.
I su…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on November 18, 2008 at 2:00pm —
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Welcome to Comforting Words! We’ve all faced a situation that’s left us speechless. A friend shares a devastating medical diagnosis, or you learn via e-mail of a relative’s death. What do you say? We’ve all been at a loss for words when we've needed them most. My goal in creating this blog is to provide a forum to share stories, ideas, and resources that will help us feel confident when confronted with unexpected news of loss and difficult times. And most important, I’d like to give insight into…
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Posted by Robbie Miller Kaplan on November 18, 2008 at 12:00pm —
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