Years ago I had the opportunity to read condolence notes sent to a friend upon the death of her teenage daughter. There were hundreds of sympathy cards and handwritten notes, many of them thoughtfully and beautifully written. But to this day, there was one that still disturbs me.

The sender, an old friend, expressed her condolences. But she went on to mention that she was sitting in her home office working on her expense reports. Her next door neighbor was having…

My father died when I was little so I don’t have many of the memories that most people have. I don’t know his favorite expression nor do I know what advice he may have given. I don’t even recall particular facial gestures. But what I do vividly remember are solo adventures with dad and they all involved sports.



My dad was a wonderful athlete and he was tall and handsome. He would pack three or four of us kids in the car on Saturday or Sunday and we were off for some kind…

Many people wonder, is it okay to send a belated condolence note? And if it is okay, how late can it be? You may be shocked to learn that many bereaved family members wouldn’t be offended by a belated condolence note. 

That surprised me. Several years ago, an acquaintance died while I was on vacation. His warmth and kindness made an impression on me and I wanted to write his wife a sympathy note. Weeks turned into months and I finally wrote the note, almost one year…

Many parents wonder if it’s appropriate for children to write sympathy notes. Should parents expose their children to death? And if so, at what age are children old enough to understand the complex feelings of sorrow and grief when a loved one dies?

These are tough questions to answer. From my perspective, it is never too early to learn compassion. Since so many adults struggle to write sympathy notes, wouldn’t it be beneficial to teach our children how to write…

It’s hard not to think about my mom on Mother’s Day but this year, it would be impossible. Not only is it the day of the year that we honor our mothers but this year, Mother’s Day falls on my birthday, so it’s the day my mother gave birth to me.



So how am I remembering my mom? Lately, I’ve been thinking about her wisdom. How wise she was and what wonderful advice she gave. When I had a problem, she listened. In my younger days, she had a habit of telling me what to do and…

When expressing sympathy, isn’t thoughtful enough?

When someone dies, we express our sympathy by writing notes to the bereaved, hoping to provide some comfort. Many of us feel that if we write memorable notes, we’ll somehow make a difference. But all that pressure causes us to struggle, trying to find just the right words for a meaningful message.

If your goal is to write a memorable sympathy note, maybe you’re trying too hard. Think about what…

Words might be the best way to express condolences following a death and it’s the words that stay with us the longest. Unfortunately, it’s the negative words that the bereaved seem to remember, so think carefully before you speak.

One bereaved mom told me that she still remembers what a friend said, even though her baby died thirteen years ago. “She told me my baby was in a better place. How could she be in a better place when she should be here with me?”…

Years ago, it was easy to feel socially connected. You knew your neighbors and all the tradespeople. When you did your errands, people knew who you were and probably knew your family. When things got tough, word spread that someone in the community was sick, hospitalized, or died. When you moved throughout your day, people had an inkling of what was going on and asked about you and your family. Maybe someone mowed your lawn or shoveled your snow; casseroles appeared and you and…

When bad things happen, it can be hard to know what to say or do. So it’s not unusual that many of us struggle over what we’ll say and how we’ll say it. We might spend a great deal of time crafting written messages when communicating with those facing loss, carefully choosing the words to use and the method of delivery. Or we might compose verbal messages, hoping they will convey our heartfelt sympathy.

So what happens when you write appropriate messages or verbally…

Is it possible to grieve for someone you don’t know? When they announced Whitney Houston’s death, I felt a deep sense of loss. I never saw or met Houston but I loved her music. Her songs were the soundtrack to many milestones in my life and I felt so sad at the tragic loss of so much talent at…

I’m reading a murder mystery and the victim is a male adolescent. A group of parents whose children were friends with the victim meet to console one another. One parent asks, “Has anyone been in touch with his parents?” Other parents respond, “No. What could we possibly say?”

While this might be fiction, the dilemma is not. Many people shy away from the bereaved, or even the sick, because they don’t know what to say. Or, they stay away for fear they’ll say the wrong…

A member of my community died last week. The death was sudden and unexpected and the bereaved were overwhelmed. There were so many people who attended the reception after the funeral that they couldn’t fit into the home. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of those people will be around to comfort the bereaved when real mourning occurs in the weeks and months ahead.



We’re often…

A few years back I did a radio interview on how to write a condolence note. The interviewer mentioned some distinguished public speakers, quoting passages of notes they’d written. He asked me how the general public could replicate these meaningful messages. I was shocked for a moment thinking that if anyone expected to personally write such grandiose notes, they’d be so intimidated they’d never get them done. And maybe that’s why so many people procrastinate and struggle to write…

The huge box in the foyer sparked curiosity and excitement as my daughters made their way in from school. Almost in unison they asked, “What’s in the box?” “It’s our legacy,” I replied as I pushed the box into the living room. I slit the tape and pulled back the flaps, reaching in to pull out an old down quilt. Unimpressed with a faded quilt, the girls went off to find a snack…

So many of our holiday traditions are family-centered, making it painful to face the holidays after a loved one dies. Despite the pain, some people find it comforting to continue the old traditions that they’ve enjoyed. Since grief in itself is exhausting, it can be too overwhelming to try and build new traditions when mourning a loved one.



How you choose to handle holidays is a highly personal decision. In the first few months or years, you alone know whether it’s…

One of the questions I’m most frequently asked is, “How do I write a sympathy note?” Most of us know how to write a note; after all we’ve been writing thank you notes for many years. But addressing the topic of death is challenging; what can we possibly say to make someone feel better after losing a loved one?



Loss is painful and when someone is hurting, it’s…

My father died decades ago and he was part of my life a very short time. My siblings and I don’t talk about him much yet his death was probably the most formative experience of our lives.

Our family had a joyous event last week when my nephew married and it pulled us together from near and far. The bride and groom honored family members who had died in their wedding program. I expected to see my mother included but finding my dad’s name surprised me. That, and the groom’s…

One of the kindest things you can do for someone who’s lost a loved one is to help keep their memory alive through stories. I was reminded of this recently when a friend’s daughter wrote to me asking for my support in a philanthropic endeavor to honor her mother’s memory. She added, “I would also like to extend an invitation to those of you who knew my mom personally to send me a short story about my mom. It always makes me smile to know people are remembering her.”

So how do…

My caregiver experience was short. My 86-year-old mother was not recovering from surgery and began to fail. Despite competing pulls, an ailing parent, a job, and a teen preparing for senior prom, I rushed to my mother’s side and helped her stabilize. Ultimately, I felt quite fortunate to have had that special, loving time with her as my mom died just seven months later.

A friend became a caregiver to her mom after she was diagnosed with dementia. Her mother lives in an…

My phone kept ringing the morning of September 11^th as I worked with a client. I finally answered and learned the first airplane had hit the World Trade Center; and then the second. I quickly concluded the appointment and watched the news. I then walked outside, and despite the beautiful fall day, my suburban DC neighborhood was eerily quiet. There were no airplanes or helicopters overhead; no dogs were walked and no children played outside. No cars entered my neighborhood. It…