Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
Everyone is Healed
Working with so many people who are grieving, I have come to a conclusion. There are people willing to do the work that it takes to adjust to a life without their loved one and there are people who aren’t. There are people who will remain bitter and angry always. There are people who will cling to the pain of grief and those who will forever identify themselves as “bereaved.” Queen Victoria did. Following the death of her beloved husband, Prince Albert, she wore black every day for the rest of her life.
I received a phone call recently from a distraught widow. She told me that a woman at church had approached her and told her, “Trust me. It never gets better.” Faced with the prospect of a life of such immense emotional pain, she was overwhelmed and desperate for help. Immediately I assured her that it does get better. For that woman, it may not have, but for most it does. The key difference? Those who move through the pain of grief and adjust to their new life work at it.
Time does not heal – what we do with the time we are given can help us heal. That is why I recommend grief support groups where people gather together to share stories and support one another. At a group last night a man asked me, “Will the pain ever completely go away?” I had to answer honestly, “no, it doesn’t.” It does not ever completely go away. It does, however, change and get lighter. More days will be happier than sad. Fewer things will trigger sudden outbursts of tears. Life will move forward and you will take your loved one with you. Their loss will always be felt in your heart, but it will become more like a twinge than a hole. It will get better.
When I am feeling overwhelmed, I remember these words, “There is no storm that lasts forever.” I repeat them over and over again as a mantra to reassure myself that these deep feelings of sadness will pass. I know, in those moments, that I will feel happiness again. I will laugh and have a day spent enjoying activities with friends and family.
That day is coming for you as well. I cannot tell you when. I cannot tell you how. But I can tell you that one evening you will find yourself realizing what a wonderful day you just had. It will come as a surprise to you, but if you put in the effort to create coping skills to heal from the grief, that day will arrive.
For the others? Those who wear black the rest of their lives (if not on the outside, then on the inside): They too will be healed. It may not happen while they are alive. But, ultimately, in this lifetime or the one after, everyone is healed.
Nancy Weil is a leading authority on humor and grief. She serves as Director of Grief Support for eleven cemeteries and is a Certified Funeral Celebrant and Grief Management Specialist. Through her company, The Laugh Academy, she offers products to ease the stress and pain that grief can bring. Bandages for Your Heart on DVD or CD, Laugh for the Health of It on CD and her new book, If Stress Doesn’t Kill You, Your Family Might, can be ordered by clicking here.
Image: Flickr Creative Commons/Randy Son of Robert
Comment
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Comment by Nancy Weil on August 17, 2012 at 10:36am -
What a wonderful blessing that your family has become closer. Sadly that is not always the case when someone has died as each person grieves differently. We must allow each individual to find their own path through grief. Tears can be healing and allows your body to release the stress it is under. Be good to yourself and acknowledge the loss. Continue to seek out support and to do the things that help you feel better and to sleep. Most of all, breathe and remember the many happy memories you shared with your dad.
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Comment by Julie Long on August 16, 2012 at 6:06pm -
Hi Nancy,
Sorry it's taken me to reply back. I have done as you suggested, plus I have been talking to my sister's, Mom, and my Mom's best friend who is a grief counseler. She helped me to see that I was right where I was suppose to be. I sobbed for 2 hrs 4 days ago. She said that grieving is like the tide. In and out, in and out. I am having better days, just feeling so tired and can't stay asleep. I drank some milk and ate a carb and I finally slept all night. Yeahhh!!!! My sister's and I have drawn even closer with the passing of my Dad. Two more days and it will be one month. Hard to believe. Thank you for your suggestions. Right now I am good, so to me, that is progress. Yes, love still connects me.
Take Care,
Julie
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Comment by Nancy Weil on August 10, 2012 at 1:23pm
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Julie,
Sometimes all that you can do is breathe. Slow deep breaths to help center yourself. Grief is not easy and it does affect us on all levels- physical, spiritual, emotional and mental. Be kind to yourself and the rest of your family and know that everyone grieves differently. Take walks outside, listen to calming music and do other things that feel good and help you make it through a day. And never forget, that love connects you still.
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Comment by Julie Long on August 10, 2012 at 12:47pm
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Nancy,
Thank you for writing to me. Yes, I am having a very hard time with the loss of my Dad. I had a session with the Social worker from Hospice at my Moms house yesterday. I now know that I am "normal." I let it all out and now know what I need to do. I do have a candle which I bought and I framed my Dads Memorial Service program. It has him on the front in his rollar blades. So, when I miss him, I light the candle and his spirit is with me. I'm doing better. I still feel as though I am a cloud floating around, and my hair is falling out from the stress. I will get some lavender oil too. I am talking with my younger sister a lot. We are feeling the same way. My middle sister is just keeping busy so she doesn't have to think. I know she needs to talk, but you can't make a horse drink water.
Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.
God bless you,
Julie
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Comment by Nancy Weil on August 10, 2012 at 12:13pm
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Julie,
I am so sorry about your dad. Finding the right type of support can be very helpful when you are grieving. Hearing from others how they have handled the loss and learning that you are not alone in your feelings, can truly help. If you don't know of any support groups in your area, check with your funeral director or local hospice. There are also tools you can use to help you sleep, including using lavender on your pillow to help you relax. Hang in there. Although you'll never forget, it does get better.
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Comment by Julie Long on August 7, 2012 at 5:53pm
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My Dad passed on July 18th. I miss him so much. He was 85 and had Parkinsons Disease for 25 yrs. I know, through my faith, that he is in a much better place, yet I have days of just sobbing. I have a banner inabove my front door that says " I can do ALL things through Christ whom strengthens me." I stand firm on that promise.
I see here that you say the pain will never go away. I understand that, yet I am having a hard time sleeping and have no appetite. Do you think I should go to a grief support group.. if I can find one? I love what you wrote about your Mom.
God bless you,
Julie Long
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Comment by S.A. Brobin on May 17, 2012 at 1:31pm
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When I am feeling overwhelmed, I remember these words, “There is no storm that lasts forever.” I repeat them over and over again as a mantra to reassure myself that these deep feelings of sadness will pass. I know, in those moments, that I will feel happiness again."
My Faith gets me through. I remember Almighty Gods promise to rid the earth of sickness sorrow and death, and to resurrect my mother, that gets me through. I remind myself that God says that my mother is as asleep Resting in Peace not suffering. Not alone and missing the love and hugs and kisses of her family. Not in some shadowy in between world. Asleep. That gets me through.
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