Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more

What not to say

Even those with the best intentions might say something inappropriate to the bereaved. Hurtful sentiments can damage relationships; so many individuals stay away, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing.

So what can you do? Stick to the basics when speaking with the bereaved. Communicate in some way your sadness at their loss and if you have some knowledge of the deceased, mention a quality you admired. For example: “I was so sad to hear of Jill’s death. Her wonderful nature always gave me a lift.”

Statements that get you into trouble are often your interpretation of the loss. Here are some areas you might want to avoid:

1. Comments that minimize the loss, such as: “You must be relieved that this is over” or “It’s for the best that she didn’t linger.”

2. Inappropriate statements, such as: “This is a blessing in disguise.”

3. Any suggestion there is something good in the experience, such as: “Look on the bright side” or “Every cloud has a silver lining.”

4. Comparisons of your pain and your experience to the person who is grieving, such as: “You must feel as dreadful as I did when I got my divorce.”

5. Any reference that you know how they feel; it’s impossible to know how another person is feeling, even if you have experienced a similar loss.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss." All titles are in Amazon's Kindle Store. Click here to order.

Image via Flickr Creative Commons / misteraitch

Tags: supporting the bereaved, sympathy and support, what not to say to the bereaved, what to say when someone dies

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Comment by Tie on July 17, 2009 at 12:04pm: My best friend died last week. I told his mother, if she needed help with anything (planning, financial, etc.) to just let me know. Apparently, she didn't need me (though I contributed financially anyway). Was it the right thing to offer? She said to stay in touch, but how do I do that right now, when I become an emotional wreck when I see her? I miss him so terribly much...

Comment by angry sister on July 16, 2009 at 10:41am: I am sorry to hear how cruel people can be when they don't think before they speak. After the loss of my one and only brother, my STEP mother sent me a letter telling me that he was "bipolar" as if she knew him, and then proceeded to tell me I should watch my children so I didn't lose them in the future. She is really a caring and sensitive person! NOT!

Comment by Jan Kay Keen on July 16, 2009 at 10:13am: Heres a winner. I lost my son due to a motorcycle accident, and one of my stepkids said...."Oh good, there's more money for us in the will!" I know it was said without thinking, but I was sure shocked!

Comment by Linda on July 15, 2009 at 10:33pm: As Robbie mentioned above in the original article, paragraph 2, I also like to mention an appropriate remembrance that I have of their loved one. I always offer thoughts and prayers. I never say, if there's anything I (or we) can do for you just let me know. That is a very empty statement. On one occasion, I said that to a man who lost his wife and he replied by asking if I would take care of his dogs while he was hunting for a couple weeks. Naturally, I was taken aback, then he smiled to let me know he didn't mean it seriously. If you really want to help them, offer a prepared meal on a particular day, or to do something really specific. Don't forget that their grief goes on many months after the rest of us get on with our lives. (I am the writer above whose baby was born at 20 weeks and died in my arms thee hours later.) One of the nicest notes I received was from a family whose children were in the same grade as my other children. It very sincerely said, "I don't know what to say, but please know that we are thinking of you and praying for you."

Comment by Andrea on July 15, 2009 at 10:50am: Actually, I went in for counseling in an what I call an anticipatory grief, kinda thing. I was ready for it, father made the proclamation of "I want to die.", in a drunken stupor. Hard, yes. Reality, yes. I could see his wasting away mentally and physically, while others couldn't, I believe. Some of my extended family is what I construe to be socially inept, if I may be so blunt. So I take this with a whole salt shaker and not the proverbial grain.

But one thing that I learned? It's okay to ask, "How are you doing?" I always stammered when it came to visiting other people that were in mourning and wondered what to ask. But when people were asking me that? I didn't mind at all, I was glad that they asked...dunno. I guess the aforementioned question alleviated the socially inept relatives.

One always thinks of things to do and say after the fact. I wish that I just would have given them the classic mouth open look and walked away leaving them wondering what they did. :) :)

Comment by Robbie Miller Kaplan on July 15, 2009 at 10:29am: I’m so very sorry to hear the insensitive things people have said after losing loved ones. It’s hard to understand why someone would be so hurtful when someone is already hurting so much. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to also share what you wish people had said. What would have been a comfort to you?

Comment by Andrea on July 15, 2009 at 9:01am: Two weeks after the death of my father, a relative stated, "He would have wanted us to move on." Okay...sure. "What did he die of?", is another one.
"He went faster than his brothers." "Why are you planning the luncheon? Let others do it." (When I am the only one in the area that knows of venues to book at a relatively inexpensive cost, due to financial reasons.) "Did he have his funeral paid for?" "Why didn't you sit his siblings up in front? I was getting kind of mad, until I noticed you did it on your own." "Why did you give the eulogy?" "Did you really do all that you could do for him while he was in the hospital?" "You know he died from smoking and drinking, when are you going to quit smoking?" "Why didn't you guys want to cremate him?"

These are actual responses that I got during and after my dad's funeral. I kid you not.

Comment by Wisc46 on July 14, 2009 at 4:21pm: When my 29-year old unmarried sister died I was overwhelmed by the number of people who told me at her wake that it was a good thing "she wasn't married or left children behind." Her life was of lesser value to us mourners because she never married?? It is a cruel thing to imply to those of us who were missing her terribly.

Comment by Robbie Miller Kaplan on July 13, 2009 at 7:15pm: It's so difficult to lose a baby and I'm sorry that people were insensitive to your loss. My sincere condolences.